


Where does the good go?

by Daisyapples



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Everyone Is Alive, Fluff and Angst, Heartbreak, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, Minor Richard Gansey III/Blue Sargent, Multi, Mutual Pining, Noah is alive, PTSD, Post-Break Up, Ronan Lynch Loves Adam Parrish, Ronan Lynch is Bad at Feelings, Well not Ronan's parents, canon level abuse, so much pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-29
Updated: 2019-01-25
Packaged: 2019-09-02 07:25:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 40,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16782367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daisyapples/pseuds/Daisyapples
Summary: Ronan has no idea why Adam broke up with him. Two years have passed and he hasn't seen Adam since, but with them both being Godparents to Gansey and Blue's new baby, it's time to face the past and maybe find the answers he's been looking for.





	1. it always starts with a change

**Author's Note:**

> I was not planning on writing a new fic so soon. I was certainly not planning on writing a break up fic but here we are. Okay, so everything is the same as the books but no supernatural. Also Noah is alive. So there. 
> 
> I'm hoping this one is going to be 15 chapters long, but since my last monstrocity ended up being 42 chapters and over 90000 words, I'm promising nothing. Despite the ever depressing tags, this is not going to be that depressing. 
> 
> Ha, lies. I love angst. 
> 
> But, like, it'll have a happy ending because that's what we're all here for anyway. 
> 
> Kudos, comments, subscriptions and bookmarks make my life <3
> 
> EDIT; Corrected some spelling mistakes etc throughout the fic.

The first time Ronan Lynch saw Adam Parrish was in Latin class. It was a random Monday morning about halfway through term. The stranger walked in alone, nodding an apology to Whelk and handing him a note from the office. Ronan was lying on his desk, head bracketed in his elbow, staring at the clock above the door. There was exactly seventeen minutes left in class. So far Whelk had not taught him anything he didn't already know. He wondered why Gansey had dragged him from bed at seven am if he was already smarter than the teacher. Noah wasn't even in this class to entertain him so Ronan was staring at the clock and hoping time would hurry the fuck up and let him skip out the rest of the day. Maybe he'd find K and race. Maybe he'd just go back to Monmouth and get drunk. Maybe he'd finally figure out how his life disintegrated so quickly. 

No dad. No mom. No Declan. Barely Matthew. 

The foundations he'd trusted in were gone. Every steady, sure thing he'd ever known was gone, and gone _so_ easily, like they were nothing but paper in the first place. Nothing that wouldn't disappear in a too strong wind. Family was meant to shelter you in the storm. They weren't meant to fade away until you were alone. Now, every time he tried to figure out his next step, more destruction came falling down on his head. He'd made a decision last week after a particularly nauseating lecture from Declan. It'd been all about how struggle made a man, how it built character, and _maybe instead of acting out Ronan you could try being a good example for Matthew_. 

The decision rested on his skin like barb wire. It protected him.

He was not going to set a good example for anyone.

He was gonna lie here, and piss off Whelk, and not try anymore, because _fuck that noise_. 

He allowed the anger burning in his gut to destroy and blacken and harden every soft thing in him. 

He made himself a snake and warned everyone to back the hell up. 

He made it so no one and nothing would hurt him ever again. 

And then the door opened and in walked Adam Parrish. 

Standing straight and proud. The uniform hung off his slight frame, looking better than Ronan thought a uniform had a right to look. Dirty blonde hair, sepia tone skin and elegant cheekbones. He shifted his bag when Whelk directed him to a seat and Ronan's mouth went dry. Fine-boned fingers, bulging knuckles and carefully cleaned nails. Ronan turned away, went back to staring at the clock, and decided he hated him. Decided later, he hated him even more when Gansey decided he liked him. Decided he hated him more and more, even as they became friends, even as Ronan realised he didn't hate him at all. He loved him. 

***********************************

The last time Ronan Lynch saw Adam Parrish was a Tuesday evening. They'd spent the weekend together. Adam was recovering from second year midterms and Ronan was helping. They hadn't been alone for awhile, certainly not for a full weekend. Adam was drifting away, lost on a sea of midterms and essays and internships and something he wasn't telling Ronan. Some secret that was making him smaller and less Adam. Ronan wanted to keep him at The Barns and keep him safe. Wanted to hug him and take away whatever it was eating away at him. 

He watched him drive away instead, because Adam was more than a secret, and was more than Ronan, and he deserved all the freedom he wanted. 

Adam waved a hand out his window. His laughter echoed over the yard at something Ronan had shouted. 

Ronan felt a surge of love so strong, he could taste it. All the soft parts he'd tried to destroy were being rediscovered every time Adam smiled that easy smile at him, every time he ran his fingers along Ronan's spine or talked about the things he was learning at college. He had watched until the car disappeared around the bend of the driveway, had sat on the stairs of the porch and tried to ignore the nagging worry in his gut that something was wrong. Noah had joined him with a beer after a while. A streak of paint covered one of his cheekbones and his hands were thick with glitter and glue. They hadn't spoken, had just watched the sunset and drank the beer.

***********************************

The next time they spoke, Adam was breaking up with him. 

***********************************

**Two years later**

Dawn was staining the horizon when Ronan went to check the mail. He'd already run his rounds on the farm; milked the cows, fed the chickens and checked in on the horses. He was tired and aching, desperately looking forward to his coffee that should be just about finished brewing by now. Cold breath mushroomed around his face and he rubbed his hands together for warmth. It was nearing the end of November. The cold snap was becoming less of a snap and more of an ongoing condition. Frost licked across the grass, shimmering in the lights around the yard but Ronan knew it'd melt away as soon as the sun rose. He should get the cows out for a few more weeks before they'd be stuck in the barn for the worst of the weather. Sweat was drying uncomfortably on his back in the chill and he shivered as he trekked up the driveway. 

The little red flag was up on the mailbox. 

The only thing inside it were bills and catalogues for animal feed. Ronan never understood why he expected something exciting in the mail when all he ever received was bills. He figured it was because his mom used to send him to get the post when he was little, and back then, even bills seemed exciting. When he pulled out the other mail, there was a weirdly crisp, white envelope sitting in the back. 

“Christ, Gansey,” he snorted. The invitation was addressed to him and Noah. Even with his gloved hands, it felt starched and hard. Ronan was pleased by the dirt stains he left on it. “You couldn't give us an individual invite.” He rolled his eyes, and tucking the rest of the mail under his arm, he ripped it open. 

_Richard Campbell Gansey the third & Blue Sargent_  
_Invite you to the christening of their first child_  
_Sarah Louise Sargent-Gansey_

_We welcome you to celebrate_  
_with her Godparents_  
_Ronan Lynch and Adam Parrish_

Ronan stopped reading and dug out his phone. The surge of his pulse at reading Adam's name was giving him a headache. He paced the yard, listening to it ring. The sky was navy blue now but pink was seeping into it like blood across water. He could hear his animals waking up, cawing and neighing and mooing. The noise grounded him. He hadn't seen Adam in two years. Had avoided every birthday, every party, every art exhibition, every celebration. His friends didn't even invite him anymore. They just made alternative plans for a later date. Like how he went to see Noah's first art show a week after it had opened. It was better that way anyway Noah had assured him. Less people. Sometimes he tried to come to events. Once he got all the way into the bar for Blue's 21st, before he realised he couldn't bear making small talk with the love of his life who'd dumped him by telephone. Couldn't bear watching him be hit on by other people. He'd left before anyone even knew he was there. Those were the early days though. Now, he didn't even bother. Adam was not someone he could know casually. 

He either had him fully or he wouldn't have him at all. 

The phone rang six times before Gansey picked up. “Hello? Ronan?”

“Are you fucking kidding me, you fucking fuck?” Ronan had stopped pacing, was staring at the sunrise, letting the brightness burn the anxiety from his eyes. The tears were frustration. Nothing else. He'd healed his broken heart years ago. Or at least that was what he kept telling himself. "Seriously, Dick. You couldn't have fucking warned me? The christening is Saturday." 

Ronan never lied. Except to himself. 

And he did that with such skill, he could almost pretend it was the truth. 

Gansey sighed. Ronan heard the shuffle of bedclothes and the click of a lamp. “You got the invitation then?”

Ronan scrubbed his foot in the muck. “What the hell, Gansey? Why are you sending them out this late?” 

Gansey sighed again. "Everyone else got theirs a few weeks ago." At least he had the decency to sound guilty. “We wanted you to be godparent, but we knew if we told you Adam was doing it as well, you'd say no.” He heard whispering in the background and the muffled switching of hands. 

“Ronan, you have to see him sometime.” It was Blue talking this time. She sounded much more patient than Gansey had. “I know it's hard but maybe it'll help you get some closure.” She sounded so sure. Like she knew what it was to be destroyed by someone you loved. 

Ronan bit back his retort about _her perfect relationship_ and snorted instead. “I don't need fucking closure.” He didn't lie. He just didn't tell the whole truth. It was better that way. “I fucking don't need fucking closure,” he repeated, slightly less violently. The added curses just made him feel better. 

“How many people have you dated since him?” She asked, already knowing the answer. “I know it's hard, and I know you loved him, but it's time to move on.” She sounded tired of the conversation.

Ronan was tired of the conversation. It was the same one they'd been having for two years. 

The problem was _loved_ implied past tense. There was nothing in the past about his love for Adam. He hated it, but no matter what he did, he could not get the man out of his heart. He was long out of his head, mostly, maybe. Not at all. Ronan still thought of things to say to him during the day, little anecdotes and funny jokes, grievances and irritating things Noah did. He still wrote long speeches in his head as he shovelled hay or cleaned out the chicken pens; some told Adam what a bastard he was, others about how much Ronan wanted him back. All were an embarrassing habit Ronan just couldn't seem to stop. 

He started listening to farming podcasts just so he wouldn't be alone with his thoughts for too long. 

He was doing better. Better than he'd been in years. All his hard work would be undone the minute he was in the same room as Adam. He just knew it. 

He didn't say any of that out loud. He just hummed his agreement and started walking back to the house. He'd learnt a year ago no one else cared anymore. They just told him to move on, date new people. Ronan didn't want new people. If he couldn't have Adam, he didn't want anyone. Blue was still talking but he'd stopped listening. He was just kept agreeing every few minutes. 

Blue huffed. “And that's why you should sell the farm and move in with Declan in D.C.” 

Ronan nodded and then caught up with the conversation. “Wait, what? Fuck off, maggot.” 

Blue giggled in his ear. “I know your fake listening voice, dude. We've been friends for years.” 

“Yeah, yeah. Put me back onto Gansey.” 

“He's gone to get Sarah.”

Ronan grinned. “How is my goddaughter? Miss me? Cursing yet?” 

“Not yet, asshole.” Blue sighed. “We should have told you, Ronan. Sorry.”

“When do you all get to town? 

“Do you mean when does Adam get to town?”

Ronan hummed non-committedly. The Barns waited for him; a welcome glow coming from the kitchen telling him Noah was up. Letting Noah use a barn for his art had been a blessing in disguise. The show tunes he blared while creating, not so much, but Noah had been living with him since he'd graduated and he'd seen the worst of the aftermath. He'd picked Ronan up off the ground more times than he could count. So Ronan dealt with the show tunes, and the musicals at weird hours, and the fact he knew them all off by heart. Because Noah was one of his best friends, and sometimes, Ronan didn't think he deserved any of them. 

“As far as I know Adam gets in tomorrow. He's staying at a motel. Not sure when he leaves.”

“Jesus fucking Mary.” Ronan sat on the porch and ran a hand down his face. He was suddenly exhausted. “I don't know if I can do this, Blue.” 

“Ronan, you pulled your life back together after those first crappy six months." No one really talked about how much of a mess Ronan had been. Probably because they were all scared it would happen again. They all thought he was okay now. Ronan found the act less and less tiring. Like maybe, finally, he was okay. "You've gotten a diploma in agriculture and you run a successful farm. Okay, you don't date, but neither does he.”

“Wait, what?” No one ever gave him information and he'd giving up asking eight months ago. He grasped it like a drowning man would a raft. “I thought he'd be out living the life, with college and working and stuff. You know being charming and shit.”

Blue laughed. “Do you remember Adam when he's focused on something? He's basically spend the last two years finishing his degree and getting his masters. He's done like six internships and has a 4.0. The job's he has lined up..." She paused when she heard the shaky breath Ronan took. " Anyway, I don't think he even has a friend in college if the amount of time he spends talking to Gansey is anything to go by.”

A surge of jealousy, and then of worry, pulsed through him. Was Adam alone up there? Was he lonely? What did he and Gansey talk about? Did he ever even think about Ronan? He couldn't handle this. He needed some time to think. He had to built up some walls if he was going to see him again. Maybe he could just hide in the corner with Sarah and hope no one came looking for him. “Hey, I better go," he said, hoping Blue didn't notice the tremble in his voice. "Farming doesn't do itself.”

“Sure, sure.” Blue sighed again. “Ronan, you okay?”

“Yeah, I'll be fine. Give Sarah a kiss for me.”

“Obviously. Love you, asshole.”

“You too, maggot.” 

He was still staring at his phone when Noah brought him out a cup of coffee. Ronan handed him the invitation without a word and wasn't shocked when Noah made no noise of surprise. “Et Tu, Brute?”

Noah snorted. “Blue overrules you. Sorry.”

“Fuck you.”

“Fuck you right back, man.” Noah didn't say anything for a minute. "We'll figure out a way to keep you away from him, okay? We'll have a safeword and everything."

Ronan grinned but it was empty of feeling. "Sure. Thanks."

They clinked their cups together and watched the sunrise in silence. 

***********************************

The first time Ronan Lynch saw Adam Parrish for the second time, Adam didn't know he was there. 

It was two days after the invitation had arrived and Ronan was stepping out of a hardware store, weighed down with plant feed, when he saw Adam walk down the street. The sun was behind Ronan so he was confident even if Adam looked his way he wouldn't see him. Adam was on the phone, wearing baggy jeans and a loose t-shirt. His hair was shorter. His arms looked bigger, like he'd finally been eating enough, like he finally had enough time to work out. Ronan dropped the feed and just watched. 

Adam looked so familiar and so different. 

Ronan wanted to go talk to him and he wanted to hide and never see him again. 

The hiccup of his pulse revealed every lie he'd ever told himself. It pounded in his ears and a prick of familiar nausea bit at his throat. He swallowed it away, picked up the feed and headed in the opposite direction. 

Ronan Lynch thought it might be easier to go back to hating Adam Parrish. 

If only he didn't love him so damn much.


	2. goodbye is only the beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of Adam's chapters are set in the past before they broke up. Just in case that isn't clear. Gotta give you some good old-fashioned Pynch fluff! Also I dunno why I've killed Adam's mom in both my fics but here we are.
> 
> TW; Canon level abuse (no violence, just the left over fear caused by the abuse.)
> 
> Thank you so much for the response so far! It so lovely to get so many comments and kudos on one chapter! I'm really enjoying writing this (I've already got the first four chapters written) and the comments and kudos, subscriptions and bookmarks really make it worthwhile. You guys are the best <3

**Three years earlier**

Adam stood by his father in the church. The sermon echoed off the high roofs and left an hollow space in his chest. The heating wasn't on and the tips of his fingers were starting to go numb. He couldn't take his eyes off the coffin. It was small, like his mom's life. Small, and inconsequential. The dark wood reflected the candles on either side of the altar, flickering shapes across the box that made him blink and fear for his sanity. He couldn't comprehend that his mom was dead. Couldn't understand what the hell life was. She'd dropped dead buying milk. _Milk._ He hadn't spoken to her in a year. Had offered her the opportunity to be in his life and she had never taken it. 

That, or his dad stopped her. 

The man in question stood beside him in an ill fitting suit and cheap leather shoes. He stank of whiskey. Adam was breathing shallowly through his mouth to avoid being drunk by the end of the service. He reached his finger up to the too tight collar and pulled slightly. It did nothing to ease the clawing panic rising up his throat. Being this close to his father made his skin crawl. He hadn't see him in over a year and time had not treated him well. His face seemed to be melting off his skull; his jawline had already disappeared into chins and jowls, his cheeks were sinking, and his eyes were drooping down at the edges. Ruddy red streaked across his tanned skin. Wrinkles ate his forehead. 

Adam hated him. 

Ronan was somewhere at the back of the church. Adam knew because he specifically told him not to come. He knew because Ronan had agreed a little too easily to stay at home. He was embarrassingly grateful Ronan had ignored his request; one he had made not because he didn't want Ronan there but because he didn't want to aggravate his father. Sometimes, Adam wondered if Ronan was his prize for surviving his crappy childhood. Everything else he'd earned. Aglionby. College. Escaping the trailer park. Standing up to his father. Ronan was just his; not earned or won. Just the quiet evolution of a friendship into something so much _more_. And if he had earned Ronan that was okay because Ronan had earned Adam right back. They were on equal footing. Always.

It felt like too much luck for Adam to have fallen so deeply in love with someone who _loved him back_. Knew him and _loved him back_. Told him regularily he loved him. It was more than he felt he deserved, sometimes, and if it had been anyone but Ronan he didn't think he would be able to handle the vulnerabilities that came with opening himself up. 

But, it was Ronan, and Ronan was someone who knew Adam better than anyone else in the world. 

The thought terrified and liberated Adam. To be known was a blessing he'd rarely owned. 

The priest was still prattling on about the mysteries of God and life to an uninterested congregation. Adam had long given up any belief in God. His father attended church once a year at Christmas, and the rest of the pews were mostly empty. A few of her trailer park friends. A few of his dad's drinking buddies. They weren't even bothering with a reception. Couldn't even manage a full six pallbearers. 

Was that all her life was worth at the end of it all? 

Adam pushed the thought aside and allowed the priest’s final words ease the tension out of his shoulders. She was hopefully at peace. Free from his dad. Free from that trailer. Free from the pain. 

“Amen,” Adam finished and blessed himself. He watched as the pallbearers from the funeral home lifted the coffin. He followed its movement through the church. He scanned the pews until he spotted Lynch. Half hidden by shadow, he looked like a grim reaper in his black suit and black shirt. 

He smirked when he saw Adam staring. 

“That your bastard boyfriend?”

Robert was too close and Adam took a subtle step backwards. “Yes, sir.” 

Robert grunted. “Disrespectful is what it is. Turning up in a church when he's… you know…”

“No, sir." Adam ignored how his muscles trembled under his skin. They were in public. Ronan was right there. He was safe. "I don't know.”

Robert grunted again and examined Adam with drawn eyes. “Are you coming for lunch then?”

Adam started. “Sorry, what?”

“Your mother would have wanted some sort of send off. You and me can at least break bread on the day we bury her. Tell your boyfriend he's not welcome.” Robert walked down the aisle without giving Adam a chance to respond. 

He glanced back at the altar and muttered a prayer for strength before he followed him. “Lynch,” he muttered when Ronan stepped out and fell into step with him. “Thought you agreed not to come.”

“Oh, I'm not here for your mom's funeral. I just decided I desperately needed to pray.” Ronan smirked. “Turns out my need was at the same time as the funeral. Fucking sorry.”

Adam huffed out a laugh and then sighed. “My dad has decided we have to have lunch to send mam off properly.”

Ronan hummed his disapproval. 

“He specifically said you weren't invited.” 

This time Ronan laughed. “He can get fucked.” 

Adam sent apologetic glances to the old ladies who always seemed to turn up for a funeral, whether they knew the person or not. It was their hobby. “Lynch. Please. Just let me get through this and then I'm done with it. I'm fucking free of any obligation.” 

“I'm following you to the restaurant, parking outside and waiting. If you're in there for longer than an hour, I might get hungry.” He glanced at Adam and away. “Please, Parrish. I'll be fucking worried otherwise. I'll just… Please let me do this. Don't make me go home.”

“If I asked you to go home, would you?”

Ronan sighed. “If you were serious then yeah.”

They were at the door of the church, an arching curve that sheltered them from the sudden rainstorm. “I was serious about you not coming to the church.” 

“Nah, Parrish. I'm pretty sure you weren't.” He grinned and Adam couldn't help but let a smile grace his lips. “Knew it.”

“I mean it this time, Lynch.” 

Ronan nodded. “Okay." Tension bit across his shoulders, making him taller and more dangerous looking. "Look just..." He rubbed the back of his head and he was suddenly smaller and younger again. "Please come home soon. As quickly as you can.”

“I promise.” 

Ronan nodded and then kissed him softly on the cheek. “I love you.”

“Love you more, asshole.”

Ronan smirked, and giving Adam's hand one more squeeze, left. 

Turning away, Adam saw Robert staring at him. He swallowed down his fear and suddenly regretted asking Ronan to leave. Refusing to make himself smaller, he walked down the steps. The shine of his black shoes danced with raindrops and his hair was quickly sticking to his head. He glanced over at the familiar BMW. Ronan was leaning against the roof, not caring about the rain soaking him. The door was open but he was staring back at Adam, phone in his hand. Waiting. 

Finally Adam nodded and took out his phone. _Stay_. The one word took more out of Adam than he would admit to anyone. From the look on Ronan's face when he glanced back up from his phone, Adam knew he understood the sacrifice it had taken. 

Ronan gave him a curt nod. 

Strengthened Adam walked over to his dad. “I've my car so I'll follow you. Where do you wanna go?” 

“Dunnes,” Robert grunted from the window of his pick-up truck. “Down on East Street. See you there in ten.” 

Adam nodded and walked over to his slightly-better-than-crappy car. He wished they were having a burial, or a service at the cremation, but his dad had arranged the funeral and decided against that. Probably because it was cheaper. Nerves danced across his skin as he turned the key in the ignition. He watched Robert drive from the parking lot before he put his car in drive. Grey clouds sat heavy in the sky, falling so low the world seemed almost claustrophobic. It was only half four but the streetlamps were already lit. Sheets of water rose as cars drove too fast through puddles. The jittering in his fingers made it hard to drive, but every time he looked in the rearview mirror and saw Ronan, it calmed his pulse just a little. 

He waited until Ronan was parked before he went into the building. Dunnes was a run down dive bar with low lighting and stained wooden tables. It stank of cigarette smoke and stale beer. His shoes stuck on the floor with each step. Robert sat at a booth in the back. 

A heavy, metal lampshade hung low from the roof illuminating the table in a circle of light. Robert sat just outside of it, eyes lit up red by the glow of the cigarette hanging from his mouth. “Son,” he muttered as Adam slid in opposite him. 

“Dad.” He rested one hand on the table, out of his father's reach, and the other on the cracked leather chair. He picked at the red lining peeling from the seat. “How have you been?”

“You know how it is, struggling away. Could have used your factory wage the last few years.” He tipped his hand to the barman. Two beers appeared on the counter, because apparently lunch actually meant drinks, and Robert stared at Adam. “You can at least buy your old man a drink on the day of my wife's funeral.”

Adam swallowed and slid out of the booth to get them. The bottles were cool against his overheated skin. They clinked in his shaking hands. 

The barman gave him a sympathetic smile. “Sorry about your mom, kid.” 

“Thanks.” He dropped a twenty on the counter. “Keep the change.”

He huffed out a breath. “You're nothing like your dad.” 

Adam smiled something genuine. “Nicest compliment I've ever received.” 

“Any time.” The barman tapped two fingers on the counter and glanced over at the booth. “I'm only ten feet away.” He said nothing more, just turned back to the dishwasher. 

Robert was staring at them throughout the whole encounter. “What was that about?”

Adam just shrugged. “Come here often?”

“Got thrown out a few times for fighting.” Robert grinned like it was something Adam should be impressed by. “How's college? Still working?”

“Mechanics up there give me a few shifts and a couple of nights in a factory.” 

“Thought you got a scholarship.”

“I did,” Adam said curtly and curled back slightly at the way Robert seemed to bristle at the tone. “I just don't like relying on anyone for money.”

“At least I managed to raise you right. Not relying on your rich boyfriend then.” Robert downed half the bottle in one go. “Anyway, son. Your mother never wanted to lose contact like we did, but I told her it'd be better to leave you to come back on your own when you failed.” Robert lit another cigarette and the smell curled something bitter in Adam's stomach. He hated that a smell could be a trigger. He hated something as ever present as cigarette smoke was a trigger. 

Adam hadn't been in a bar ever. Or a party. Too many flashbacks. Too many bad memories. 

Lectures halls were safe. The library was safer. His dorm was safest. 

Adam tapped his bottle. He handed taken a sip yet but he was sorely tempted at his father's words. 

“But sure look, you haven't failed yet, and you broke your mother's heart, what with the court case and the moving out.” He took a long drag and blew the smoke into the air. It swirled around the light like fog on a summers morning. “Still, I'm willing to forgive you. Willing to move on and have a real relationship with you.” 

Adam clenched the bottle. “Why would I do that?” 

“Look, I don't want this either," Robert growled out and stubbed out the cigarette. He was barely halfway finished. He lit another one. "It's your mom's dying wish, and I don't think I raised you so badly as to ignore that, did I?”

Adam wanted to say he hadn't raised him at all. He'd just ruined him until Adam didn't even know what love was. He wanted to say every good thing he'd earned he'd managed despite what his father did to him. He wanted to say he hated him. Instead, he said, “No, sir.” 

“Good.” 

Neither said anything for a long moment. The only noise was the soft rock playing from the rusting jukebox and the clink as the bartender put glasses away. Adam's stomach was churning and the beginnings of a headache sat behind his temples. He wished he'd asked for a glass of water. 

Robert stole the beer from Adam's hand. The warm heat of his finger made Adam jerk back. Something cruel crawled across his father's face. “Give me your number. I'll call you.” He rooted through his suit jacket and pulled a pen and paper out. 

Adam took it from him, and with trembling fingers, wrote his number. It didn't even occur to him to give the wrong one. He was so easily swayed by his father's authoritative voice that he felt a flush of shame. He passed the paper back and stood. “I have to go.”

Robert smirked, something unsettling in the way he examined Adam. “I'll call you soon.” 

Adam nodded a tight shape and practically ran from the bar. He managed to get back to his car before he puked on his shoes. Ronan was over and rubbing his back before he was even finished. 

Hot tears poured from his eyes and his throat hurt. The ache is his head had upped to a constant pounding. “Can we go home, Ronan?” 

Ronan was warm at his side. Anger glinted behind his eyes but his voice was soft when he said, “Yeah, leave your car. I'll get Noah to collect it later.” 

Adam turned and fell into Ronan's waiting arms, shivering and weak. “I fucking hate him.” 

“I know.” He rubbed soothing circles across his back. “I know.” 

Adam didn't mention giving Robert his number, didn't want Ronan to realise how weak he actually was.


	3. I'll just wait here then

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I fear I undersold the angst in this fic. Assume it's going to be super angsty. 
> 
> But. 
> 
> Then comes the payoff and the happy ending. 
> 
> The next Ronan chapter is Adam and him meeting again. Excitement. And the next chapter is gonna have actual pynch fluff. The last one was not fluffy enough. I accept responsibility for that.
> 
> Thank you for all the kudos, comments, subs and bookmarks. You're all fabulously wonderful people.

Monmouth was the same as ever, an imposing monument sitting on the horizon like a relic from better days. It still looked broke down on the outside and Ronan assumed it was still weirdly liveable on the inside. He pulled up in the BMW, skidding to a halt in a way that made Noah whoop. 

“You sure you won't come in?" He asked with the thrill of speed in his voice. "Everyone would love to see you.” 

Ronan gripped the steering wheel, twisting it and letting the leather pucker in his hands. “Nah, man. I've plans to see them tomorrow.”

Noah sighed. “He misses you, ya know? If you'd just give him a chance maybe you could be friends again.”

“Get out of the car, Noah.” The thump of the pulse in his neck was almost painful. He didn't need to hear how Adam _missed_ him. 

Noah nodded, “Don't worry about picking me up. I'll crash here. We all will.”

“Happy fucking families and all that. Fuck off, man. You're not guilting me into staying.” He revved the engine. “Now get the fuck out because I'm leaving and you're either staying or coming with me.” 

Noah finally unbuckled his seatbelt. “You're sure you're okay, man?”

“Noah, please.” 

He nodded once and got out, “See ya tomorrow, dude.” 

The slamming door echoed in the quiet car. Ronan blared his EDM, a beat loud enough to drown out the _want_ pounding through his chest as he watched Noah stroll up to the warehouse. “Fuck them,” he muttered to the empty lot and screamed from the parking lot. 

The Barns was cold and unwelcoming when he got home. He wished K hadn't died all those years before, because tonight, he could do with some speed, and some drugs, and some drink, and some escape. 

Mostly he didn't think about K at all since he'd tried to kill Matthew and all. He was a bastard and a psycho and he was always heading to the grave. 

It was better K was gone. 

It was especially better after Adam had left. 

Ronan didn't break the way everyone expected him to. He didn't fall back into anger, not into drugs, and not into speed. He didn't try to escape the pain. Instead, Ronan went quiet. He barely spoke. He let Adam explain it to everyone. Barely grunted his way through the sympathy. 

He looked after the small amount of animals he had and then went back to bed. Every day for six months. Lay in the misery and swam in the pain and tried to figure out what happened. He'd known something was wrong and he hadn't pushed it. He was worried and he didn't say anything. 

Just trusted Adam. Just trusted their love.

He was an idiot. 

He spent six months beating himself up. The dark places inside his own head drowned him day after day. He hadn't taken an escape because he didn't deserve one. This loss was all his fault. 

And then one morning, he got up and enrolled in an agricultural course in a local community college. There was no reason for the action. He just woke up and thought _fuck it_. The black hole seemed less suffocating. The pain seemed less crippling. He was bored of doing nothing. He wanted to have fun again. He wanted to enjoy his fucking life. He missed his friends, his brothers. Mostly, he missed himself. He rang Gansey, and for the first time in months spoke, telling him about his plan to extend the farm in very firm tones that said not to mention anything about anything. 

Gansey played along, allowing him the moment. 

Noah came down later to a breakfast of eggs, bacon and pancakes. Ronan was singing _Let It Go_ and cleaning the dishes. All the show tunes and musicals and Disney soundtracks that Noah had used to fill the silence that had settled over the house were etched into Ronan's brain. From that day, the only music allowed in the house was EDM.

Noah vetoed it. 

They no longer listened to music in the house. 

He'd pulled his life together, realised he wasn't to blame for Adam leaving. He still repeated that mantra each morning; _it wasn't your fault. It wasn't your fault_. No one made him talk about it. Ronan thought maybe they were all just happy he was back. 

*

Noah found him on the roof of a barn the next morning. He hadn't slept. Made some decisions though. Dawn was a red burning line splitting the sky from the fields. Fog hummed along the grass, wispy tendrils refusing to let go in the chill air. 

“It wasn't my fault,” he said as Noah landed with a huff beside him. “What happened between me and Adam, he made his decisions and I had to make mine.” He bit the bracelets around his wrist. They were frayed and ragged with time. The scars below them were paler than his skin and wrinkled each time he moved his wrist. “I'm not gonna avoid him this week. It wasn't my fault.”

Noah tapped his knee. “It was never your fault.”

Ronan nodded a curt shape. “Fuck this shit, Noah. I'm not hiding from my friends just because Adam decided he didn't give a fuck about me.”

“Ronan…” Noah warned. “You know he loved you.”

“Yeah, loved me enough to dump me by phone.” Ronan scoffed. “Yeah, the kid was head over heels.”

“Ronan,” he snapped. “Stop. You didn't see him after. You don't…” 

Ronan stood up, and started down the roof, ignoring Noah's shout of annoyance. He swung down off the edge and landed on the hard ground with a huff. The farm hands covered one morning a week so Ronan could pretend to have a life. This morning he regretted the insistence from Matthew to reclaim his youth, _come on, pal. You're twenty four. Not seventy four._

Noah caught up with him as he stalked across the yard, grabbing his arm with loose fingers.

“I don't wanna hear it, Noah. I'm not fucking interested.” He shook himself free of the grip. Nausea was rising up his chest but his stomach had dropped to feet. The old scar ached across his heart; the one that never really healed. It was always ready to be ripped open again. Like a festering wound poisoning him. He didn't know how to recover from a loss so epic. Like Adam knew exactly how to hurt him and went straight for his weakest points. “He did this Noah. He did. I wanted none of this fucking shit. I just wanted him.” He swallowed back tears and stomped up the stairs. “I'm going to bed for a few hours, I'm knackered.” 

*

Blue and Gansey were one of those couples so in tune with each other, it was like they existed on a separate plain to everyone else. Blue was stubbornly independent and Gansey was fretfully helpful. Once they'd figured out the money issues, arguments had fallen away to nothing. Now, they worked in synchronization, never needing to ask before the other had met their needs, never needing to talk in actual sentences before the other was nodding agreement. They were constantly touching or laughing, making stupid jokes and warming any room. 

Ronan loved being around them. They calmed every jittery nerve echoing under his skin. They let him believe in something he thought didn't exist after Adam left. It helped as well that they had created Sarah who was slowly becoming Ronan's favourite person. At nine months old, she had a personality and a laugh and a strong grabbing hand. 

Ronan sat with her on his lap, bopping his knee and blowing on her face. She kept giggling and grabbing his lips with too sharp nails. He'd learned to kiss her palm every time she grabbed for him which just made her laugh more. “So what's the plan for the week?”

“Dinner with my family tonight,” Blue answered, finishing her fries. “Henry arrives tomorrow so we're having drinks with him, Noah and Adam. We figured you could see him the next day maybe.” 

“Nah, I'll come to drinks. Won't I, baby? Won't I?” He ignored Gansey's splutter as he choked on his coffee. He made faces at Sarah instead. “No point me running away forever, is there?” She giggled when he stuck out his tongue. “No, there isn't?” 

“Ronan, are you sure?” Gansey asked in a terribly sincere voice. “We don't mind.” 

He shrugged and looked up. “Like I said I can't run away forever. I'm sick of hiding. I'm sick of being the one who disappeared. I didn't do anything wrong.” 

Sarah grabbed at his face again so he picked her up and let her stand on his lap. 

The added benefit was he couldn't see Blue's face when she said, “Well, it's about time. We’re meeting in Nino’s at eight. Think Henry will probably be staying with Noah so you can give them a lift over?”

"Yeah. Probably." A storm was starting in his chest, one he knew wouldn't end until the week was over, Adam was gone and everything was back to normal.

Gansey set his cup down with a quiet clink. "What made you change your mind?" 

He jigged Sarah up and down, making her giggle. He lifted her up and blew raspberries on her stomach. She giggled again and the noise eased some of the tension from his shoulders. “I don't wanna fucking talk about this anymore, okay? Tell me about how much Gansey's parents freaked out when you said you were having a small christening.” 

Blue laughed. “Oh they hate me, dude. They absolutely hate me.”

Gansey spluttered again. “They don't. Honestly, Blue. You just…” It took him a second to find a suitable word. “You confuse them.” 

Ronan snorted. “Nice save.” He sniffed Sarah. “Oh, who's a stinky butt? You're a stinky butt.” He handed her to Gansey. “Time to dad up, dick “

Blue laughed. “Dad up, blah. Love it.” When Gansey grabbed the diaper bag and took Sarah back, she turned to Ronan. “You sure about this, asshole?” 

“Nothing left to do but face him, maggot. Nothing left to do.” He ran a tired hand down his face. “Just tell me I look better than he does.” 

Blue laughed. “Obviously, asshole. You're a fucking work of art.” 

Ronan grinned something sharp. “Obviously.”


	4. home isn't a place

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm trying to update Monday and Friday. I'll do my best to stick to that schedule :)
> 
> This has angst but so much fluff. You all deserve fluff. 
> 
> TW; Canon level abuse. 
> 
> Thank you for all the comments and kudos. They give me life (✿◠‿◠)

***Two years six months earlier***

Not having a mother anymore was doing funny things to Adam's heart. 

He was used to being estranged from his parents. Used to ignoring the ache when students around him talked about holidays or home cooking or vacations. It didn't help college was awash with rich, privileged kids. They were free for the first time and most had an allowance from home. Sure there were other scholarship kids, but they were few and far between, and even they had parents that were proud of them. 

Adam walked under leafy trees rustling in a light breeze, backpack straps digging into his shoulders and refused to acknowledge the ache in his chest. He watched the leaves turn red and orange, fall like rain and end up as mulch underfoot, and ignored talks of thanksgiving with family and Halloween parties and midterms. He was spending it with Ronan anyway. It didn't matter he didn't have a biological family when he had one he'd made himself. 

It was just this year, there was a ringing emptiness echoing through him. He hadn't realised he still clung to hope of reconciliation with his mother until it'd been yanked away like the loss of a safety blanket. 

Christmas, snow and ice, passed. More time spent with Ronan and his family. New years with Ronan, Gansey, Blue, Noah and Henry. Starting the new year with a 4.0 GPA and a hurting heart. 

Shouldn't it have stopped by now?

He threw himself back into college and work, hoping he could run from the disappointment, run from the emptiness, and it did help. College was a good distraction, work helped, but he already missed Ronan so much that adding another layer of longing intensified both. 

The difference was he talked to Ronan every day; a constant stream of texts and calls that he would never have thought Ronan capable of two years before. He even saw Ronan at least once a month. The other boy randomly swung by, despite the drive. Usually because he _just felt like it, Parrish, no big deal._ It took Adam a long time to recognise the warmth spreading through him at the words was love, not annoyance at Ronan's impracticality.

The difference was he couldn't talk to his mom now. He knew logically they hadn't spoken in over a year, but when she was alive, at least he had the chance to _maybe_ reconcile, to _maybe_ have a relationship with her.

Now that was gone. 

It was just gone. 

It left a hollow feeling in his gut that ate away day by day. It didn't help he was still having trouble making friends. They all seemed so young. Maybe they hadn't been through what he had; the abuse, Ronan's suicide attempt, Gansey's near death experience at the end of their final year, and even the good stuff, like having a set of friends that were practically family. And he tried, but not that hard, because Adam had work and assignments and he had Ronan and he had friends who were _practically family_. He didn't need anything more. He wasn't in college for parties, frat boys, and beer. 

He was here to get to the next part. 

This was just another mile he had to walk to reach that distant version of himself he'd been working towards since he was little. He'd grown so much, and changed so much, but he still needed to prove to no one but himself that he could do it. 

Almost six months had passed after the funeral before his dad rang. So much time that the overwhelming fear had transformed into a barely-there worry. Sort of like a loose tooth he pushed at sometimes.

By the time the phone finally rang, he almost felt relief at the familiar number. The idea he still had family gave him a head rush. That was until he heard his father's voice and his knees went weak with residual fear. Miles away and his father still held the power. He sat on the edge of his cheap dorm room mattress and picked up the call.

“Son.” Robert's voice was gruff from a lifetime smoking cigarettes. “How's work?” He asked it like they'd only spoken the week before. “Still holding down two jobs?” 

“Factory is busy with summer coming up,” Adam answered automatically. “Mechanics have a lot of tune-ups in. Getting good hours.” 

“Good. Wouldn't want you relying on that rich boyfriend of yours.” Robert took a long inhale. He was obviously smoking. “You don't wanna end up as a burden like you were to your mother and me.”

“No, sir.” He pushed the phone from his mouth and heaved in a shuddering breath. He'd worked hard to support himself, to forget the lesson his parents had taught him; his existence alone made him a burden. 

“Are you passing your classes?”

Adam nodded and then said, “Yes, sir.”

Robert took another long inhale. 

Adam could practically smell the nicotine burning his nostrils. The silence stretched between them, pulling his nerves along with it. He swallowed on a suddenly dry throat. “How have you been?”

“Struggling away. Could use some support but a dead wife and an ungrateful son.” He sighed like he held the weight of the world on his shoulders. “I'm managing like I always do.”

A flint caught in Adam's chest until he was burning up. He couldn't do this. He couldn't pretend with this man. He had a family and Robert had no part in it. “Thank you for ringing, sir,” he said, keeping his voice even. “But I have to go do some homework.” 

“You do that. If you fail, you'll be an embarrassment. Still, seems like a waste of hard work and time.” Robert clicked his tongue. “I'll call next week. Same time.” He hung up without another word. 

Adam put the phone down and cried into his hands.

*

It was another month before he saw Ronan. Another month of phone calls with his father. Once a week at the same time. It was starting to wear Adam down, starting to tear his skin off bit by bit until it was all nerves and tangled knots. Even though they barely said anything. Even though the conversations were mostly small talk. 

Somehow, he always felt worse after them. Robert was niggling in under his skin like a tiny splinter he couldn't pry out. He was a constant pressure on the back of Adam's neck, reminding him of all the ways he was failing, had failed, could fail. Each time Adam pushed the thoughts away, he got weaker and they got easier to believe. Little things sat with him; he hadn't made friends, he was so far off succeeding, he was just managing with two jobs and his course load. He was tired all the time and his dad's words felt true at night when he couldn't sleep and he couldn't think and the darkness was morphing into all the monsters he could ignore during the day. 

It was getting harder to reach out to Ronan.

He didn't want to be a burden.

Ronan met him with a kiss and a grin so wide, Adam felt the ropes tightening across his arms and chest loosen. He hugged Ronan tight, begging him for safety for just a little while. Ronan had no problem hugging back and held Adam longer than usual. 

“Are you okay? You've seemed down on our calls.”

The sweetness of Ronan's voice ached through him. “I just… I guess it's been harder than I thought losing mom. It's just…”

“I know, man.” Ronan still hadn't let him go, was just holding him in a way that eased the touch-starved ache from Adam's skin. “I know. Let's go get some food and you can tell me all about it and about all the shit they're filling your head with. I wanna see how much smarter my boyfriend is.”

Adam laughed. “Alright, but I'm buying.” _You don't wanna end up as a burden_. “My treat,” he insisted. 

Ronan grinned, “Free food and my boyfriend? I am in.” 

Hours later, they lay in bed wrapped around each other. Sunlight lit the room in sepia tones and glowing warmth. Ronan was asleep in his lap. Adam was leaning against the wall, dressed in only his boxers, and proofreading an essay that wasn't due for two weeks. He was trying to keep on top of his coursework so his jobs didn't interfere with his GPA. Satisfied, he dropped it down and picked up an article from his reading pile. Ronan shuffled closer. He was naked, legs wrapped around Adam's and his hand splayed against his hip. Each tiny exhale blew warm air across Adam's stomach. 

Adam had a hand on his head. It was freshly shaved, rough and biting against his palm. Last time they'd talked on the phone, Adam had told Ronan about how much he liked the feel of his freshly shaved head. A curl of pleasure pooled in Adam's stomach at the thought of Ronan doing it specifically for him, for the visit.

Ronan shuffled closer, still asleep. 

Adam smiled a happy shape and read a couple more paragraphs of his philosophy chapter. He had taken it in first year for easy credit and found he enjoyed the intellectual exercises and the logic arguments. It was just an elective course, but he kind of loved it now. 

“What ya reading, nerd?” Ronan mumbled into his skin. He kissed Adam's stomach, right by his belly button.

A flush of love fired through him. “Philosophy. You hungry again, Lynch?” 

“Obviously,” he answered, face smushed into the warmth of Adam's skin. “Do you need to study? Do I need to fucking stop you?”

Adam laughed. “Just staying ahead.” He shuffled down and wrapped his arms around Ronan's neck, tucking his head in under his jawline. He kissed his collarbone and hummed. “Can we stay in tonight? My roommate promised to stay at his girlfriends.”

“I'm always happy to stay in bed with you.” Ronan rolled over and pulled Adam onto his chest. “Sleep for a while, Parrish. I'll keep you safe.”

“Yeah?” Adam let his eyes closed, safe in Ronan's arms. 

“Always.”

*

Something dark settled on Adam as Ronan drove home on Monday morning. He pushed it away, tightened his backpack straps and went to class.


	5. when the past comes knocking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is slightly late because Voltron came out today and fuck that noise. If you watch it, hugs. If you don't, don't. Because that was some bad writing right there. 
> 
> Anyway. New chapter. Look. It's just angst. I'm not even gonna lie. Angsty angst. 
> 
> Enjoy. 
> 
> Also it's the first time I wrote Henry, so feedback would be appreciated <3
> 
> As always, thank you for the love!! Kissy face, kissy face, kissy face <3

The farm was a welcome escape from the threading nerves biting his muscles. His alarm went off at four am but Ronan hadn't slept. He'd stared at the black ceiling, replaying the last conversation in his head. He had it memorised even two years later. It had long since passed being something he was embarrassed by; it was just a fact. 

The barn was a heaving, heady warmth of bodies and hay and the scent of animals. Tension he was carrying like heavy weights fell from him as he went about the familiar actions of waking and milking the cows. He fed the chickens and pigs, checked the various barns and equipment, set himself up for the day. 

By the time dawn was dissolving the navy sky into a baby pink, Ronan had managed to push aside the worst of his anxiety, or at least, that was the lie he was telling himself. All that remained was the lightning storm playing across his skin and the itch inside his chest. He knew if he could just reach his fucking fingers in, and scratch the agitation away, he'd feel better. 

The old wound had been ripped open during a long night of picking at it like a scab. He was nauseous and scared, sad and lonely. He was seeing Adam tonight and he hated more than anything, more than his anxiety, more than his pain, more than his fear, he hated that he was excited to see him, to be around his, to feel his heat and smell him again, to have a fucking conversation with him. Ronan missed Adam and he fucking hated himself for it. 

Henry was in his kitchen, cooking breakfast, when Ronan slammed in after a long morning. He shucked of his boots and hung his coat by the door. He was handed a hot cup of coffee by a smiling Cheng which stopped the curse forming on his lips. He just grunted a good morning and slid into a chair. Bacon, eggs and pancakes were placed in front of him. Henry sat opposite him with a cup of coffee. The bitter smell seeped across the table. 

He was wearing Noah's t-shirt. Something about it niggled at Ronan. Henry arrived every few months and the two of them fell into simple domesticity so easily. It hurt him to watch, but it was just another thing he hated about himself. Add it to the fucking list. 

“How's farm life, Lynch?”

“Same as always,” he answered, voice rough from the cold air. “How's antique life?”

“Same as always. Mother demands too much. I do what I can to keep her pleased.” He grasped his coffee cup and raised it to his lips. His bee tattoo sat folded into the skin between his hand and wrist. He grinned. “Heard you're joining tonight for drinks.”

Ronan nodded, not looking up from his food. It was early. He was tired. There was a knot of tension curdling his insides like sour milk. He swallowed, hating that the food tasted like nothing. Henry was such a good cook too.

“Well, I for one think it's a marvelous idea.” Henry was still holding the mug. “You've been hiding out on this farm for way too long.”

He grunted again and swallowed a long gulp of burning black coffee. Bitterness swirled through him. “Do you see him much?”

“Adam? Not as much as I'd like. I don't see anyone as much as I'd like though.” 

“Even me?”

“Even you, Lynch. Demon that you are.” 

Ronan grinned his sharpest smile. “I'm something alright.”

Henry finally set his cup down with a clink. “Can I give you some advice before I take my leave and go back to Noah?”

Ronan shrugged.

“Sometimes it's impossible to be unafraid, and I know you have layers of barbed wire protecting you, but if you can't be unafraid, you might as well be happy.”

“What does that even mean?”

“It's not easy for Noah and me. I'm too used to being alone, too happy being selfish, and he's all energy and ideas and shiny new toy. We work because we never once put a label on it. We are us when we are together. We are alone when we are apart.” Henry stood and loaded up two plates with food. “It works because we play to our strengths. We are scared but we're happy.”

Ronan pushed his empty plate away. “What has that to do with me and Parrish?” 

“You and him, I've never quite seen too people so afraid but so, so happy.” He leaned against the door, pushing it open, a plate in either hand. “When you see Adam tonight, instead of fear, try joy.” 

Ronan snorted. “And what the fuck do I say to him, oh wise one?”

“I'd start with hello." He shrugged. "See where you go from there.”

Ronan snorted again, irratated but amused. “Sage fucking advice as always.” 

Henry grinned and pushed through the door. 

“You're full of shit, Cheng.”

The only response was a whoop of laughter.

***  
Ronan fixed his collar one last time, ignoring the slight tremor in his hands. A chill breeze slipped in under the gap of his open window. He strode across his room, slamming it shut and leaned his forehead against cool glass. “Fuck,” he muttered. “Fucking fuck.”

“Ronan,” Noah called from downstairs. “We're ready.”

“Fuck.” He pushed himself off the window, switching off the light and sighed. “Fuck this shit. It wasn't my fucking fault.”

“Oooohhhh, look who's looking all sexy.” Henry chimed when he came downstairs. He fixed the collar and ran his hands down Ronan's arms. “Lynch, you clean up good. Who'd have thought?”

“It's just a black shirt,” Ronan grunted, a flush of red burning across his cheekbones. He didn't like the idea of them knowing he'd made an effort. “Can we fucking go?” He ran a hand over his newly shaved head. Not because Adam always liked it. Just because. _Because_. “Fucking come on.”

Noah sidled up beside him and squeezed his bicep. “Ronan?”

“I'm fine, Noah. I'm fucking fine.” 

Noah nodded, gave his arm one last squeeze and fell behind with Henry. “So what do you think of the painting?”

Henry hummed, “I really liked the use of colour and the harsh lines…”

Ronan zoned them out. Skittish energy crawled beneath his skin like spiders were hatching. Agitated, he scratched his forearm. He wore ripped black jeans, a black shirt, with a black t-shirt under it, and black boots. It looked harsh and made him even less approachable than normal. The blades of his tattoo were shocking against his pale skin. With his freshly shaved head, and the tension written across his face, he looked like a punk. 

He felt better that way. Cruel. Unapproachable. Unlovable. Exactly how Adam made him feel. 

The car ride over was silent. They were meeting in a bar next to Nino's. Flannerys was a typical Irish bar; too much Guinness paraphernalia, a few too many Irish flags and way too many mistaken English references. Something about that always annoyed Ronan. Mostly because it annoyed his dad. When they pulled into the carpark, the flash of his headlights made shadows of the parked cars, stretching them over the tarmac and casting them across the stain glass windows of the bar. Nino's was still open, full to the brim of raven boys. Ronan was never so glad to be out of Aglionby. Piece of shit school was a fucking waste of his time anyway. Only decent thing to come from it was Gansey, Noah, Cheng and Adam.

When he parked, no one got out. Silence fell when he switched off the engine. The only noise for a few minutes was the chatter of people outside the pub, cigarette smoke drifting above them. The red glass threw crimson light over their faces. 

“I'm fucking fine.”

Noah chuckled from beside him. “Yeah ya are.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Ronan bit back but he was smiling. He heaved out a breath. “Let's get this over with.” The click of the handle echoed through the car. 

A strong hand grasped his shoulder. “Be happy, dude. Afraid and happy.” Cheng squeezed once and released him. “Let's go get drunk and celebrate the birth of our newest member.”

Noah laughed, light as a summer's shower. “Tequila is a requirement.” He opened the door, casting one last glance back at Ronan who nodded. “Tequila, tequila, I'm on tonight,” he started singing as he left the car. 

Ronan could hear Henry joining him as they walked across the carpark. He took one last calming breath and left the car. 

The bar was small, packed, and laced in the heady smell of old beer and cheap whiskey. It was easy to get through the crowd when he looked how he did. People moved out of his way instinctively. Especially when his mouth was curled in a way that said _I will fuck you up_ , and his eyes stared down anyone willing to dismiss his smile. He reached the table Gansey had booked for the night. He and Blue were already sitting. 

Adam was not there. 

Something tightened in Ronan's gut, twisting and spreading until his stomach ached. He pulled a chair out and slammed down beside Gansey. He rolled an empty beer bottle in his hands, greeting him with a grunt. Blue smiled when Noah and Henry arrived, dropping a coke down in front of him. 

“Designated driver. Free drinks,” Henry said, sliding in beside Ronan. Noah sat bedside Henry. 

There was only one seat left and it was directly opposite Ronan. Fuck. He sipped his coke and let his friends talk around him. Cheerful conversation filled up the space; tales of Henry's travels, jokes from Noah about pompous art dealers, Blue talked about her work and Gansey managed to bring every story back to Sarah. Those were the only times Ronan was forced to grin. 

If anyone noticed his silence, they didn't mention it. He did catch a few worried looks though. 

He been staring at his empty glass for twenty minutes when he heard the chair opposite him drag across the floor. 

“Adam, you made it.” Gansey sounded guilty. Ronan wondered what Adam's expression was to make him sound that way. “Do you want a drink?” 

“Eh, what?" Adam cleared his throat. "Sorry. No. I'm… I'm good.” 

A flush tore up Ronan's neck. It was the first time he'd heard Adam's voice in two years. Not since that call. He pushed the memories of the words from his mind. Forcing his tight muscles to respond, he glanced up. “Parrish.” Something like pride crawled through him when his voice didn't break. 

Adam's eyes widened slightly. “Lynch, long time.”

Ronan nodded and looked back to his empty glass. The pulse is his neck was beating so hard it was giving him a headache.

Henry coughed and said, “I heard congratulations are in order, Adam. You got the job.” 

“Thanks, man. I'm pretty excited actually. I start next month.” 

When Ronan glanced up, Adam was looking away from him in a very intentional way. He could almost see the muscles in Adam's neck straining to stay looking at Henry. 

“What's the job?” His voice was rougher than he wanted but it carried across the table and forced Adam to look his way. 

Adam rubbed his hand on the back of his head. It made his bicep push up the sleeve of his t-shirt. Ronan swallowed convulsively and watched Adam’s eyes follow the movement. An awkward silence had fallen while they examined each other. 

Noah coughed. “Hey, look, the pool tables free. Let's play. Doubles, yeah?” 

Henry clapped and Adam flinched just a tiny bit. “Good plan. Gansey? Blue?”

Gansey froze. “I mean, I'm sure Adam or Ronan might want to…”

“I'm fine here.”

Ronan smirked at the challenge in his voice. “Me too.”

“C'mon then, men. Let me show you how pool is played.” Blue stood and dragged Gansey up after her. 

“You win ever time,” Noah complained as they all walked away. 

The silence that fell was tight and suffocating. Someone bellowed out a laugh behind him. Ronan's shoulders tensed at the noise. He leaned forward in the hope he'd be able to get just one breath of Adam in before he had to go back to his real life. Sometimes, at the worst times, at the most normal of moments, he'd catch a hint of gasoline and the clean scent of clothes. It always threw him back to a bed or a car ride or a kiss. 

Now, he was hunting it out, dragging in long smokers breaths in the hope of just one tiny bit of Adam. He coughed. “New job?”

“Yeah, Engineering firm. Graduate program.” He glanced at Ronan, eyes taking more than they should be capable of for such a quick movement. “Start next month.” 

Ronan nodded. “Congrats, Parrish. You deserve it.”

“It's only an hour away if you ever… I mean I know you visit Gansey a lot, and when I get a new apartment, it'll be close and…” Adam stopped talking and scratched the table with one long, slim finger. “It doesn't matter.” He shook his head like he was suddenly exhausted. “How have you been?” 

“Same. Farm's going good.” Ronan shrugged. “Same," he repeated.

“I see your products sometimes. _Lynch family farm_. That's awesome, Ronan.”

Ronan flinched away from his name and hated that Adam noticed. “I need some air. I just gotta…” He was up and out of the bar before Adam replied. 

Declan picked up on the third ring. “Ronan?” 

“Adam's here. He's here, Dec. I thought I could do this. I thought it'd be easy. Fuck.” He threw out a shuddering breath and it mushroomed around his face. Laughter carried across the night air. “I thought…”

Declan heaved out a sigh. “Why did you agree to meet him?” 

“I just… I dunno, man. I thought it'd be okay. I thought I was over it.” He huffed out a laugh when Declan remained silent. “Okay, I fucking didn't think I was over it but I'm sick of fucking hiding. Jesus Mary, Declan, why is it still so hard?” He was leaning against the BMW, pale skin crimson. The cold metal bit at his back through his thin layers.

“You loved him and you're annoyingly loyal and stupidly romantic. I still think you just need to date. Get him out of your head.”

Ronan snorted. “Yeah, I'll consider it.”

“Sure you will. Sure ya will.” Declan sighed. “Go home Ronan. Don't do this to yourself.”

The night was close to freezing and he shivered. “Alright, Dec. I'm gonna head. You still can't make the christening?”

“Work, man. Can't believe I'm missing my brother becoming a godfather." He heaved out a tired breath. "Call me if you need anything this week.” 

“I will, man. Night.”

“Night.”

He recognised the approaching footsteps and hated himself for it. Tucking his phone in his pocket, he glanced up. “Parrish.”

"Lynch.” Adam stood opposite him, leaning against a white Audi. He shrugged one shoulder. Defeated was not a look he wore well but Ronan recognised it on him. “I didn't know you were coming tonight.” 

Ronan's lips twisted sharply. “Thought the saints in there would have fucking warned ya?”

“I assume they're still punishing me. It's eased off so that's something.” He scratched his cheek, knuckles protruding from his skin. “Blue didn't talk to me for six months. Noah still only talks to me when we're in a group and he has to.”

Ronan's heart was clenching and twitching in his chest. The beat was something equivalent to EDM. “I didn't tell them to do that.”

“I know but lines had to be drawn. Gansey still talked to me. Henry too.” A lingering sadness bit at Adam's words. “I…" He swallowed and this time Ronan tracked the movement. "I missed you.”

Ronan jolted. “Don't.”

“Sorry.” He took a step forward, but paused, seeming to think better of it. “I didn't mean to say that. It wasn't fair.”

Watching Adam was like reading a language he used to be fluent in. He still picked up certain ticks, certain tones, but overall, Adam was unknown. 

He fucking hated it. 

“Ronan…”

Something in his tone made him flinch; there was too much _want_ there, too much desperation. “Don't. I… I fucking can't, Parrish. I just… I can't.” He pushed off the car. “Let's go back in. Celebrate with our friends.” 

“I'll follow you. Just need a second.”

Ronan felt his eyes on him as he walked away.


	6. the hardest hello is goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the most nervous I've ever been about any chapter. Comments after are so appreciated. Also, I would just like to apologise in advance. This is my most angsty, angst filled, angst ever.
> 
> The next chapter I write will be squishy, squishy fluff. It's just gonna be mad crazy insane fluff. I'm gonna fit loads of our favourite troupes in. We all deserve it after this. 
> 
> TW: Canon level abuse (but not canon because it's more psychological), panic attack (about halfway down starting with "When I…” and ending with “I hate this...") It's only a few lines but be safe lovelies. Also if I miss any warnings you think I should have in, let me know. 
> 
> Thank you for all the support so far! Really appreciate it!

***Two years earlier***

“Do you understand me, Adam? Do you see how little you appreciated her?” Robert sucked in a long drag and puffed out with clear intention. The sound clawed over the crackling line and down Adam's spine. “You don't know how to love, son. That's always been your problem. Ever since you were a kid.”

Adam took a shuddering breath and stared around his dorm. His roommate's bed was unmade, clothes laced the floor around it. Books rested on every available surface; the desks, floor, shelves, windowsill. They were a mix of his engineering and fine art. This place was small and cramped, messy and warm. It was one of his favourite places on campus.

The silence on the phone stretched on. He could hear his father smoking, hear the TV in the background of the trailer, and the cheers of students out on campus. He swallowed away the ache in his throat. Tears never felt very far away anymore. Like his father had stripped him clear of any armour he'd built up over the years. The worst thing was it was _just_ words. He couldn't pinpoint the moment Robert had slipped back in under his skin, but the claws were well and truly embedded.

"I know it's hard to hear, son, but it's the truth. You've no love in you. You're not capable of it."

He did know how to love. He was almost certain of it, or he had been, before six months of weekly calls. Nothing seemed clear anymore. Words were very far from his tongue.

“Why do you think our family never worked? Because there was something wrong with you.” Robert chuckled down the phone. “Anyway son, I've got to go. Doing an extra shift to cover some bills.”

“You got the money I sent you?” He hated how much his voice trembled. Sending money had started a few months before. It made Adam's stomach ache to do it. He kept trying to break the hold, kept trying to remind himself he was safe and free, but it didn't feel that way. His father seemed to haunt his every footstep. He was so, so tired.

“The pittance? Sure, son, I got that.” He could hear how Robert's eyes rolled. “It's funny to me, ya know? You think you love that boy, but I know you Adam, and you can't. You're just not built that way.” The laugh was cruel this time. “Be good, son. I'll call you next week.” 

The dial tone shocked Adam out of his stupor. He took the phone from his ear, but when he went to hang up, he realised the call had already lapsed. He was just left staring at his home screen. Ronan smiled up at him; he'd taken the picture the last time he'd come to visit. He was lying in Adam's bed, topless, face smushed into the pillow and staring into the camera. Blue eyes shone under summer light. The smile written across his lips was easy and small, soft and made only for Adam. 

Staring at the lines of his face, Adam's eyes filled with tears. He blinked them away. His father was wrong. He loved Ronan. He was sure if it. It was just he was so exhausted, so empty of any form of energy. He was barely managing classes, barely maintaining his GPA. Work was always on his back. More shifts. More time. More. More. More.

Everyone always wanted _more_ and Adam had nothing left to give. Tears filled his eyes again. He had nothing left to give anyone. Nothing left for himself. Shaking his father's words were getting harder and harder. Before, in highschool, he had a goal, and an escape. It didn't feel like that now. It felt like he was more trapped here than he had ever been in that damn trailer. He never thought the abuse would follow him. He never thought he'd be stuck with it for life.

Logically, he recognised what was happening.

But logic have become a tiny voice against the roar of his fear.

The phone buzzed and he jolted. Ronan's name flashed on the screen. He stared for a second before hitting the green call button. 

“Adam, guess what? I bought a new cow. She's named-” he paused for dramatic effect. “Drill-bit.” He laughed a carefree noise and something broke in Adam. “I can't wait until you meet her. She's dopey as fuck. You're gonna love her.”

Bile rose up his throat, and before he knew what was happening, he said, “I can't do this anymore.”

“What? Are you okay? What happened?” The concern in Ronan's voice tore Adam's heart to shreds. “Do you need me to come up? I can be there in a couple of hours.”

“Us, Ronan." He took a shuddering breath. "I can't do it anymore.” 

Silence, and then, “I don't understand.” 

“I think we should take some time. Apart. I think I need… Time.” Every word hurt and he wasn't quite sure why he was saying it. All he knew was he had nothing left. All he knew was he wanted Ronan. He wanted him here, right now. Not breaking at the end of a phone. All he knew was everything hurt all the time, and he just needed a second to breath, to figure out his head again. Adam had been an unknown creature for much longer than he'd been known, and right now, he barely even knew himself. “I don't want to hurt you.”

“Then fucking don't. Please Adam. Don't do this.” Ronan's voice broke. “Adam, we can fix this. I can fucking fix this. Just let me come up to you. I can leave now.” He heard the clink of keys and a door opening. “I can fix it. Please.”

“Ronan. Stop. Don't.” Adam took a wet breath. “Don't. Don't come here. Don't contact me. Just. Just let me go, okay? I don't… I can't…” 

“Something's happened." His voice was hard but shaking. "You've been weird for months. Tell me what happened. I can help. You can't just do this.”

“I can and I am.” Tears were streaming down his face. There was a physical pain slicing through his chest and it was hard to drag each breath in. “I've gotta go. I'm in work in an hour. Bye, Ronan.”

“Adam, please.” 

“I'm sorry.” Hanging up the phone, Adam let himself fall into his bed. He didn't stop crying for a very long time. He definitely didn't make his shift that night, or for the rest of the week. 

***  
*Eighteen months earlier*

**Six months since the break-up**

Adam groaned when his alarm went off. He dragged himself up and threw on the first clothes his hands found. He'd moved into a single dorm a month before. It was meant to be an improvement, but without his roommate, he now went days without talking to anyone. It was barely a room; less than two feet between the wall and his bed, a tiny desk shoved into the corner and a stark light illuminating the cracked painting. The window let in the early light of a spring day. Blossoms covered the trees outside, casting his room in soft pink. He grabbed his bag, and a generic breakfast bar, and was out the door ten minutes after his alarm had first filled the space with noise.

The therapist's waiting room was empty. The receptionist smiled and told him it'd be a ten minute wait. He glanced down at his phone. Gansey had text three times already. He smiled as he replied, assuring him he was alright. Tucking the phone into his pocket, he leaned back in the cheap plastic chair. The roof was stained and parts of the polystyrene tiles were missing. Adam bit his lip. He wondered what Ronan was doing; it was half eight so he'd already be up, probably finished breakfast and fixing something on the farm, or maybe birthing a new calf, or planting some herbs. Maybe his hair was longer. Maybe he had a farmer's tan from the weak Virginia sun. Last year Adam had teased him about his brown arms and white shoulders. 

He wondered if Ronan had moved on and someone else was teasing him now. 

Adam swallowed away the ache. This was his fault. He did this. He didn't get to feel sad about Ronan being happy again. 

Ronan should be happy again.

He should be happy and free of Adam. He was the one who fucked everything up. He breathed slowly through his nose; his counsellor said he had to forgive himself. None of it was his fault. Not one tiny bit of it. All of it was his father's fault.

“Adam, she's ready now.” 

He nodded and walked into the office. It was small, grey and shabby. Inspirational posters hung from the walls. An old purple couch, covered in red cushions, was pushed into the corner. His therapist was a small brunette, tiny but strikingly angular. Sharp nose, prominent jawline and violent cheekbones. The light coral lipstick and soft dresses she always wore did little to ease the harsh lines of her face. Adam didn't care though. He'd been seeing her for four months and things were finally starting to make sense again.

“So Adam, how are you?” Her voice was softer than her appearance allowed, a soothing caress on aching hearts. “How have you been this week?”

He sighed and wiped tired eyes. “I finally finished all my make up assignments. My GPA is back to a 4.0. I got the results yesterday.” 

“Adam, that's brilliant.”

He rubbed the back of his head, a nervous tic he'd acquired. “Thanks for putting a word in with my professors.” 

She shook her head. “If you hadn't been as brilliant a student as you were, they never would have been willing to allow the extra work. It was all you, Adam.” She glanced down at her notes. “Have you made any progress with what we were talking about last time?”

“I…" He chewed one of his lips and sighed. "Well, no, but I had to finish those last few assignments.”

She smiled, knowing an excuse when she heard one. “You can't keep punishing yourself. Humans are social creatures and you need contact.” 

“I'm always polite to the students who sit next to me in lectures and I joined a study group,” he protested. “They go for drinks on Thursdays after we meet. I'll go next time. Honestly.”

She nodded. “That's a good start. How has everything else been?”

“Hard, I guess. If I'm not totally perfect, I can still hear his voice telling me I'm not good enough. Telling me I'm unlovable, and incapable of love. I have to keep calling myself on it. Recognising what I'm doing. Even then, sometimes, I can't make it stop.” 

"That recognition is good. You wouldn't have been able to do that a few months ago. Now, it's just practice of controlling your thoughts and recognising the ones you need to let go."

The couch beneath him was too soft, and he shifted, trying to find solid ground again. “I still miss Ronan. Like all the time. It's just this constant ache.”

“Have you talked to him?”

Adam shook his head. “I haven't tried. I told him not to contact me when I… When I broke up with… When I…” He suddenly couldn't breathe, inhales catching with click and exhales a wheezing gasp. Leaning back, tucking trembling hands under his thighs, and listened to his too fast heart. He was getting dizzy now, eyes darkening at the edges. 

“Breath, Adam. Slowly now. Remember the counting.” She didn't move, didn't crowd him or act in a way that made the panic worse. She sat exactly as she was and waited. “You know what to do.”

He nodded, taking in slow, thready breaths, counting in his head as he did. Five things he could see. Four things he could touch. Three things he could hear. Two things he could smell. One thing he could taste. Inhale for four. Hold for four. Exhale for six. Over and over and over. 

Slowly. Slowly. Slowly. 

After a few minutes, his pulse stopped heaving in his throat and his breaths came easy. The black faded from his eyes. He roughly rubbed his cheeks with the heel of his hand. The trembling still hadn't stopped. “I hate this. I hate it so much.”

A crease formed between her eyebrows. Adam thought maybe it was sympathy. “I know it's hard but it's a journey. You're so much better than you were when we started.”

“Do you think he misses me at all?”

“You can't think like that. You can never know what he's thinking or feeling. Only what you think and what you feel. Going down that path, imagining how he feels, it will just lead to more pain.” She crossed her legs and settled the pink skirt of her dress. “Did you read the pages I gave you about self-esteem and building a core self?”

He nodded. “I found them good. Especially the self-esteem stuff. I think maybe dad chipped away at a lot of it, those last few months. It was like he was under my skin, and everything I did wasn't good enough, because he was always there telling me I was worthless or useless or a waste.” His eyes still itched but no tears fell. “Everything was so good before I let him back in. College was good. Ronan and I were…” He took a shuddering breath. “I had friends, real friends, and now… Blue hasn't spoken to me in months. Noah barely does. Henry is so busy… He always calls in when he's around but it's never long. It's just Gansey, and I can hear it.”

“Hear it?”

“The disappointment.” Adam stared down at his hands, missing how Ronan used to worship them. They were just rough, dry skinned and knobbly. He curled his fingers around his knees. “I let them all down. I let myself down. I knew what he was and I allowed him back in because of some childish need for a family. I had a new family and I destroyed it. Blood means jack shit. I always knew that. I did, and for some reason, I forgot. I fucking forgot.” He blinked a few times and shook his head. “I just miss him is all. I miss who I was with him.” 

“Now is the time to build yourself back up so no external force can break you again, okay? It's time to build your worth up again. You are so worthwhile, Adam. Intrinsically. Grades. A boyfriend. Friends. None of them give you value. You alone are worthy.”

He nodded, still not sure if he believed her. Not with his father's voice in his head. Not with Ronan's hurt echoing through his thoughts. He supposed he believed her more now than he had when they started, and that was something important. 

“This is your homework for next week, some reading on anxiety. There's a thought diary as well.” She rustled through a folder and retrieved some pages. “I want you to track any that are damaging, or intrusive. See if by writing them down, and analysing them, you can lower their control on you.” 

He took the paper from her and nodded. “Okay. Thanks.” 

“Try to make some friends, Adam. It will help.” 

He got up to leave. “I'll try. Same time next week?"

She nodded. “Same time next week.” 

***  


Gansey sat beside him in the cafe, fiddling with a spoon, and flicking through his diary. Third year was finishing up in a month. He was already focused on his thesis for final year. 

“I know I took history, and I'm considered ahead of my time because of finding Glendower, and already being published in all these journals…”

“And your book,” Adam reminded him with a smirk. 

Gansey groaned. “Yes, Adam, and my book, but I just feel this immense pressure to get my dissertation right, you know? Because of it all. It all goes back to my father's name and my parents money. It all goes back to reputation. It enters the room before I do.” He tapped the spoon against the cup, letting the chime fill the space. “I know I'm being childish and ungrateful. I know I am. You don't have to look at me like that. I just… Finding Glendower was my life's goal and I completed it in my teens. I'm rudderless. Ronan says I need to…” He stopped talking, eyes tracking Adam's expression. 

He tried to compose it back into something neutral. “What?”

“Sorry. It's just your face drops. When I talk about him. I don't like the hur…” Gansey glanced away, admiring the tiny cafe they were in. It was hipster chic; wooden benches with carvings, memes printed off and framed on the walls, men with buns and women with oversized shirts and glasses behind the counter. He had called it quaint when they first walked in. “Anyway, how's college?”

“Got the last of my make up assignments done. Back to a 4.0.” 

No one but Gansey knew how far Adam had fallen after he broke up with Ronan. No one knew about the depression, anxiety, panic attacks, how he lost one job and almost his second. It was only when academic advisor called him in to tell him he'd dropped below the minimum grade for his scholarship that reality hit him like a bucket of cold water. He'd gotten his first counselling session that day, told her everything, begged her for help, and she had. Now, he was back where he started. Minus one job, three friends, and a boyfriend. Technically one of those friends was Ronan. He'd lost a boyfriend and a friend in one foul swoop. Sometimes he wondered if Gansey told Blue how bad it had gotten, wondered if she even cared. He never mentioned Ronan. Unless, like now, by accident. 

God, Adam was desperate for one tiny piece of information. Just one scrape of news. 

He'd just have to die thirsty in the desert of his own making. 

Gansey was examining him. “Have you been eating?”

“Back to my pre-break up weight.”

“Good. Good.” He shut his notebook with a dull thud. “Blue was thinking she'd come with me next time.”

Adam's heart jack-rabbeted. “Really?” He hated how hopeful he sounded. 

“She wanted me to check if you'd want to see her considering-” he waved his hand like he didn't want to mention an unsavoury topic. 

Adam felt like telling him his blue-blood was showing. He kept his mouth shut, long since graduated from being annoyed at Gansey about money. He was the only one who had stuck by him the last six months. “I'd love to see her. Any time.”

“I'll see if I can get Henry, and Noah too, but with how busy Henry us and with Noah living with… I'll try.”

“If you could, it'd be good to see them. I'm not… I'm not exactly drowning in friends up here.” Admitting this felt like losing something, like offering up something private, but his counsellor had him working on his vulnerability. 

Gansey nodded a curt shape, not annoyed, more like he was trying to hide his worry. “I've gotta go but I'll see you soon?”

“Sure, whatever suits.” 

Gansey didn't know about his dad, or the counsellor, or why he'd broken up with Ronan. He just stood there by his side, a good man in a storm. Sometimes, he looked like he was going to ask, like now, as he sat across the table from Adam, and examined him with piercing eyes, the words half-formed on his face, before he shook them away, and smiled instead. 

“We'll plan something for over the summer. Are you staying here again?”

He nodded. There was nowhere else to go. Not anymore. 

Gansey clapped his hands and rose, bumping fists with Adam as he did. “Stay there, I'm sure you have exams to study for. I'll give you a text later.”

“Thanks for coming up. It was good to see you.” 

“You're looking more yourself, Adam.” Gansey nodded his approval. “I'll see you soon.” He was gone in a whirlwind of activity, of bags flying and doors opening, and _no, after you, I insist_. 

Adam opened a book and started reading, pushing his longing far down in his chest. When he checked his phone for the time, he didn't even care that Ronan was still his screensaver. It was no longer embarrassing; it was just fact.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I head cannon Gansey writing a book about Glendower, and it being massively successful, and him being hugely embarrassed by that success. 
> 
> Also this is definitely the last miserable, miserable chapter, because dear lord, that was painful. 
> 
> Feedback would really be much appreciated. Basically just let me know you don't hate me (´• ᴗ •̥`✿)


	7. the push and the pull

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is really long. Yay. It's also a day early because I'm busy tomorrow <3
> 
> Troupes galore or just one; there was only _one_ bed.
> 
> I tried to be fluffy. I feel I sorta succeeded? You guys can be the judges. I'm not sure if this chapter is working. But again, you are my judges <3
> 
> Thank you for all the comments on the last chapter. I love you guys!! I'm also so glad I'm not the only one crazy about angst.

The pig was parked outside his house when he went back for breakfast after his early morning rounds. He stopped, staring and wondering why the fuck Gansey would be here at the ass crack of dawn. Something bit at the back of his brain, a look and a nod, and Noah saying _have breakfast in ours and we can all hang out_. 

"Fuck," he muttered, starting back towards the house.

Everyone had agreed. He'd fucking agreed, hyped up on friendship and the press of Adam's knee against his and the small smiles he was shooting him and the warmth of the pub and the heady joy of togetherness. 

It had been such a long time since they'd all been together. 

Ronan rubbed his eyes tiredly and dragged his hand across his head. They were fucking early too. Last night when he agreed, he had a faint hope he'd already be back out by the time they arrived. It wasn't like his life was on a user friendly schedule. Even with the warm glow of friendship, he thought he'd probably miss the whole stupid affair, but apparently Noah was a step ahead of him. 

A thrill of excitement pulsed beneath his skin at the thought of seeing Adam again. He hated it, and then himself. "Add it to the list," he muttered. Sighing, he rolled his shoulders and opened the side door. A wave of heat greeted him. The kitchen windows were fogged up. Everything had a slight sheen of condensation. It had been a long time since this many people had been in his kitchen. 

“I'm going to kill them, Gansey.” Blue was pacing, swooping back and forth, agitated and agitating. “I want you to know that.”

The only response was a placating hum. 

Cold November air followed him in through the door. He shut it quietly, toeing off his boots and hanging up his jacket, and leaned against it, studiously refusing to look at Adam. Blue was ranting a stream of words he couldn't quite follow. Something about how Gansey's parents were posturing against her naming ceremony, inviting fifty more people and renting out the hall in Aglionby. Gansey was slumped back in a chair, wireframe glasses low on his nose, coral polo rumbled. It wasn't that he wasn't listening, it just seemed, to Ronan at least, that the rant had been going on for awhile. 

He smirked. “Morning, maggot."

“Don't even, asshole. You better be free today. We've another fifty guests to plan for. And another thing, love of my life, owner of my heart, father of my child, your sister…”

Ronan tuned her out. 

Noah and Henry stood at the oven, backs to the group, cooking. Their shoulders were moving in a way that looked suspiciously like laughter. Food smelt good though. Ronan watched as Henry whispered something into Noah's ear. The other boy cracked up with silent giggles and rested his head on Henry's shoulder. 

Something ached in Ronan.

Some hollow _want_ he gotten used to ignoring when he was mostly alone. 

His eyes finally found Adam. He was already looking at Ronan, a small smile creasing his lips. His hair was still ruffled from bed and he had on a loose grey hoodie. He was biting the string. The cuffs covered his hands. 

Ronan's heart thudded, thudded, thudded. 

“Blue, maybe…”

“Don't even try me right now, Gansey. Don't you dare.”

Gansey slumped further down in his seat. 

Adam's grin grew and Ronan's with it. A secret smile they used to share. The _want_ grew like numbers on his speedometer. He put his foot on the metaphorical gas pedal and sat down beside Adam, sitting too close and letting Adam's heat warm his cold joints. 

“Has this been going on for long?” He didn't need to lean so close to his ear, didn't need to be so near he felt the shiver Adam tried to stop, but Ronan was feeling reckless, and he was sitting right there, smelling of soap, and gasoline, and a uniquely _Adam_ scent. 

A flush of pink shaded his cheekbones, and when he turned to answer, Ronan couldn't help but glance at his lips. “Way too long. Since last night when his parents dropped the bombshell.” Adam smiled again, something small and unsure. Like he was afraid of scaring Ronan away. “We're making tokens today. FYI.”

“To impress his family?”

“To get the upper hand.” Blue seemed to have tired herself out, because she also slumped down, reflecting Gansey's position. “It's politics. It's always politics.”

Gansey took her hand and kissed the palm. “I love you.”

“I know.” She kissed his cheek. “I'm pretty fond of you too.”

“Where's Sarah?” He tried to hide his disappointment that she wasn't there. He desperately wanted to see how Adam acted around her. 

A crash sounded by the counted and Henry chided Noah, "I thought artists had steady hands," before they both burst into giggles again. 

Adam nodded at his sulking friend. “Blue's mam has her.”

Ronan frowned. “That sucks.”

“Always knew you'd be a giant softie for her, Lynch.” Adam's long fingers, still half hidden, were tapping a rhythm out on the table. “I guess I'll have to be the strict godparent.”

“Nah, that's what parents are for." Ronan dragged his eyes away from them before he started remembering late nights and early mornings. "We get to spoil her, and hype her up on sugar, and then throw her back at those two losers .”

Adam grinned, free and easy. “That sounds good.”

Something in Ronan burned at the sight of the smile. His heart stuttered and slammed into his ribcage. He tapped the table, close enough to skim Adam's fingers. “I just have to run the bathroom.”

“Don't be long. Food’s almost up.” Noah shouted as he left the room. 

The sink was cool beneath his sweaty palms. He stared at himself in the old mirror, browning at the edges with a crack just above his left eyebrow, and grimaced. “What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing?”

Last night, after their conversation in the carpark, they fell into an uneasy truce. Unspoken, they went back in and pretended. They told jokes and ganged up on Gansey, and listened to Noah when he chatted about new art ideas, and laughed at Cheng's stories, and agreed with Blue's politics. 

At some point, they forgot they were pretending and fell into the old rhythm. 

They'd sat opposite each other, and then next to each other, and then alone at the table when everyone wandered off to play pool and order drinks and get air. It was familiar and normal and the same.

It was easy. 

It was _too_ easy. 

They were Lynch-and-Parrish again. Them against the world. It worked because everyone else was coupled up. Sometimes Noah shot him a look, and Ronan would shake his head, or send him a smile, or nod. 

They were never quite what they were. Never the intimacy of Ronan-and-Adam. Not the closeness he craved. Not the touches and kisses and in-jokes.

The night passed in a broken streams of time and something inside Ronan healed. Just by being with Adam. The night passed in a movement of conversations and something broke even worse. Just by being with Adam.

Jesus Mary, he was exhausted and there was still days until the christening. 

All he wanted was a bed and Adam and the last two years back, but that was the kicker right there, the truth that bit at him anytime he got too comfortable, because the last two years had happened. Adam had left him, and every time he thought about it, he ended up with a black hole of rage and pain and hurt and sadness and even more anger. 

Because fuck, Adam had left. 

He'd left. He'd left. He'd left. 

Ronan looked down at the sink, at his pale knuckles and his straining muscles. “Fuck,” he muttered. 

“Ronan, food.”

“Coming,” he shouted. He splashed water on his face and swished some mouthwash, ran a shaking hand along his stubbled head and blinked a few times. “Fuck,” he muttered one last time before unlocking the door. 

Breakfast was a different type of torture. 

Adam's fingers grazed Ronan's arm every time he lifted his fork or drank from his coffee. With the six of them around the small table, their thighs were pressed tight against each other. Every time Adam turned to talk to him, his breath caressed his skin. Ronan wanted to turn his shoulder and talk to Noah, ignore Adam, but that needed self-control and willpower, and Ronan seemed to have left his in bed or out with the cows. 

“Everything is in Monmouth so I'm gonna need all hands on deck.” Blue grabbed everyone's attention. “Ronan, you can leave the farm in someone else's hands, right?” 

He took out his phone and text one of the farmhands. 

“Ronan?”

“I'm fucking checking, maggot. Give me a second.” The phone buzzed in his hand. “I'm free for the rest of the week.” 

Gansey sighed, “Thank you.”

“Really?” Some of the tension left Blue's shoulders. “Seriously?” She drew her eyebrows together and bit her lip. “Thanks, bro.”

“Anytime, dude.”

She leaned back in the seat and wrapped her arms around her stomach. “I just wanted it to be a small family affair and now it's turned into A Thing. I just wanted…” She closed her eyes and took a shuddering breath. “It's hard enough between having a baby, figuring that out, and now they're on us to marry. I don't want to get married. It's an arcane tradition wrapped up in so much sexism. So much.” She wiped her eyes with the heels of her hands. “Sorry.”

Gansey took her hand from her face and squeezed it. 

Noah jumped up and wrapped his arms around the back of her chair, rubbing her hair at the same time. “Bluuueeee,” he crooned in her ear. “We love you. You don't need to apologise. We'll help anyway we can. Right?”

“Right,” Henry said, voice loud and echoing through the quiet kitchen. “Anything you need.”

“Tell us your fucking vision, maggot. We'll do it.”

Blue laughed wetly. “Thanks, asshole.”

“What to you need us to do?” Adam asked. “You have five willing slaves.”

She laughed again. “Thanks, it's just been hard, between the birth, and the recovery, and moving back to DC, and…” She was crying again. 

Gansey stood and pulled her up. “Let's get some air, Jane.” 

She went willing, pressed into his side. 

Silence fell when the door shut.

“Fuck,” Ronan muttered. “What was that?”

Noah slumped down in Blue's chair. “I knew she was struggling after the birth but I thought she was doing better.” 

“Postnatal depression?” Adam asked quietly. 

Noah nodded, face falling. “I wasn't meant to tell anyone. She didn't want anyone knowing.”

Henry stood and started clearing the table. “Well, that's bullshit, Noah, and you know it. You need more people when you're depressed. Not less.”

“I know that,” he snapped. “But she made me promise and I wasn't going to break it.”

“How's Gansey been coping?”

“You know Gansey, he'd do anything for her and Sarah. She has been doing better, honestly. I think this whole thing with his family overwhelmed her.” Noah pulled the chair into the table and put his hands down, palms flat. “She wanted a small thing with her family in the backyard under her tree with fairy lights and close friends. Now, she has to go all Stepford wife with Gansey's mom and her senator friends.” 

Something dark tugged at Ronan. He hated when Blue cried, when any of his friends did. “We'll make it right. We'll do both.”

Adam turned to look at him, a look Ronan couldn't decipher written across his face. “Both?”

“Yeah, fuck it. How hard could it be?” 

A bright smile broke across Adam's face. “I'm in.”

“Me too,” Henry said, wiping down the table. 

“Absolutely,” Noah agreed. “What do we have to do?” 

Ronan shrugged. “First of all, we're not telling Gansey or Blue. It's gonna be a surprise. Noah, you're on family duty. Get Maura and them involved. Henry, food. Me and Adam will source lights and decorations.” The back door opened and Ronan mimed a key. “And that's how you birth a calf.”

Adam pushed him with a smirk. “Gross, Lynch. And over breakfast too.”

“What can I say? Farm life.”

Blue huffed out a breath of laughter. “Really, Ronan?” Her face was red and puffy. 

Gansey stood behind her, hands in his pockets and a look of desperate sadness on his face. Ronan hated it. He stood up and scooped Blue up into a hug, lifting her off the ground and holding her tight. “You never have to hide that shit, okay?” Saying it took something from him; he hated having to put words to how he felt, but sometimes, people needed more than actions. 

He felt her nod against her shoulder. “You're hurting me, asshole.”

He laughed. “Fuck you, maggot.”

*****  


Monmouth was dustier than he remembered, but after a few years absence, he supposed it made sense. They sat in a circle, in the middle of a slightly dilapidated main Street, packing tiny gift bags with small bottles of prosecco, expensive food things, and some shiny baubles. _It's near Christmas_ , Gansey argued against the huffs of laughter. 

They ate pizza from Nino's and drank some of the prosecco, laughing about high school and how stupid being an adult was. Blue told stories about her family and how having a hitman as a stepfather was going. Adam shuffled closer to Ronan at that like he knew that even though Ronan had mostly forgiven what Mr Grey had done, he hadn't quite forgotten. The warmth was appreciated. Even if it felt like too much. Being known to Adam stung somewhere deep inside. 

It was late when Gansey and Blue crashed out on the bed in the middle of the room. Henry and Noah were already asleep in Noah's old room. It was just him and Adam, swilling expensive bottles of prosecco like they were cheap beer. They leaned against the creaking glass, stretching high into the dark ceilings, too far apart to be considered anything but friends, acquaintances even. They barely talked. 

Ronan's heart was beating too fast. His palm was slippy against the warm bottle. He stared unseeing at the books still layering every surface, the model town, and the lumps of his two friends under the covers. 

He stared at everything so he wouldn't stare at Adam who was illuminated in moonlight, a stark figure in white light. Every time his lips locked on the bottle, they pursed, shining a bright pink. His elegant cheekbones were slashes across his skin. 

Ronan was not staring. 

“How have you been?” Adam finally asked, studiously peeling the label off the bottle. “Have you been… How did you…” He took a heavy breath. “Gansey mentioned you did a diploma.”

“Finished the diploma like a year ago, Parrish. It's nothing. Was just something to get me back on my…” He stopped abruptly. Not talking about that. “It was good, I guess. How have you been?”

“Surviving.” He glanced at Ronan, eyes taking too much before he looked back to the bottle. He was scraping white paper off the bottle now. The fancy label was sitting between them like rubbish. “I finished college. I survived college. I… uh…” He rubbed the back of his hand. “I did… I've been doing thera... Shit. Why is this do hard?” 

Ronan shrugged one shoulder. “Probably because we haven't fucking talked in two years. Not since you decided." He didn't bother finishing. The familiar buzzing had started under his skin; the itch he could never scratch. “Did you miss me, man? Even once?”

Adam took a shuddering breath, checking his phone for the time before answering, “Every day, Ronan. Every single day.” He took another thready breath. “I need to… I'll be back in a second.” 

He was gone before Ronan could say another word. Not that he had any words left. Nothing but self destruction had made him ask. The answer was so far away from anything he expected. Adam's phone still lay on the floor. He pressed the button to check the time. When it flared to life, he almost dropped it. 

His own smiling face sat on the screen. 

He remembered the day Adam took the picture; he'd been lying in his dorm room, tired after a long drive and a very happy reunion. He'd just woken up and Adam had insisted. He hadn't realised he'd put it as his screensaver, not back then, and certainly not now. 

It'd been two years. 

He didn't understand _anything_. 

He heard the toilet flush and he almost dropped the phone again. He put it down carefully, making sure it was in the exact same location he'd found it in. The walls, the barbed wire, all his defences, they were falling down at the words, and the picture, and the sight of Adam when he stepped from the room, light behind him and small smile gracing his lips as he looked to find Ronan's eyes across the room. 

Ronan swallowed on a suddenly dry throat. _Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._ He knew he hadn't gotten over Adam, but there was dust on those old feelings, darkened by hurt, weighed down by doubts, and long talks about how wronged he was. It was better that way. Hating him was easier than loving him. 

In the moonlight, in the shine of stars, with a prosecco smile and glinting eyes, with a wobbly walk and Ronan's face on his phone, even after all this time, in that moment, Ronan knew, he would never be over Adam Parrish. 

The thought stung and comforted him. 

“I'm tired, man,” he managed, looking up to the dark ceiling. “Think my bed is still usable?”

Adam shrugged, “You think ya can lend me a pillow? I'll sleep here.” 

“Fuck that, Parrish. The bed is a double. We can share.”

Adam jolted and rubbed the back of his head again. 

“I mean only if you fucking want to.” Heat was crawling up Ronan's neck. “Whatever. Gotta be more comfortable than the floor.”

“If you don't mind, that'd be good. Thanks.”

Ronan shrugged and pushed himself to his feet. An evening of drinking prosecco had left him staggering and unsure. “God, I hate fancy people alcohol.” Ronan threw out his hand to help Adam up. 

“It's the bubbles. Bubbles are evil.” He gripped his hand and allowed himself to be pulled up. For a moment all Ronan knew was warmth and skin and calluses and knuckles, and then Adam dropped it, and his hand was suddenly too empty and too cold. “God my back hurts from that floor.”

Ronan tapped a gift bag as they passed. “At least all fifty guests will have a fabulous present.”

“Its like Gansey's parents have forgotten it's Sarah's day. It's annoying." He sounded irratated and protective. "Like she's an afterthought.”

“You know what, Parrish? There's a reason I like you.”

Adam laughed, easy and quite. “She stole your heart too?”

“She fucking owns it. I handed it over willingly.”

“Yeah, me too.” 

Ronan pushed open the door, still covered in speeding tickets, and stared at the small space. “It's been a long time since I slept in here.”

“Same.” Adam's answered, word lost in his t-shirt as he shucked it off. Topless Adam in no way helped Ronan ability to think. “You still sleep in the left?”

Ronan nodded, tongue swollen with want. Grimly, he pulled off his off top, and not to be undone, he unbuttoned his jeans too. Only in boxers he dropped onto the mattress, stomach against the soft sheet, and listened as Adam pushed off his jeans and crawled in beside him. 

The bed was smaller than Ronan remembered, maybe because they were grown men now and not teenagers, but he could feel the heat of Adam, could feel every sliver of skin as it grazed him. 

Sighing, he whispered, “Night, Parrish.”

“Night, Lynch.”

When Ronan woke up, he was wrapped in warmth. Legs tangled with his, arm across his chest, and a head tucked into his neck, quiet breaths kissing his skin. He blinked in the dawn light, too many early mornings meant he rarely slept late. Adam was everywhere and he ached for more. If this was the last time he got to have this, he was going to enjoy it. He closed his eyes and went back to sleep.

The next time he woke up, he was on his side. Adam was curved into his back, arm under his head. Ronan was gripping his hand. Every breath tickled his neck. He was _so_ warm and _so_ comfortable. Not sure what woke him, he stayed totally still and pretended he was sleeping. 

Adam was moving, whispering into his back, “Fuck, fuck, fuck. He's going to kill me. Shit. Fuck sake, Adam. You fucking idiot.”

Ronan had so rarely heard Adam curse, it set his skin on fire. He wanted to turn around, press his full body into Adam's and kiss the doubts from his lips. 

He stayed completely still as Adam untangled himself, so gently that if Ronan had still been asleep, he wouldn't have woken. A touch of cold told him Adam was gone. He listened to the rustle of clothes and the groan of a hangover. The door opened but Adam didn't leave. 

“God, Ronan, I'm so fucking sorry.” There was a thud against the wood like Adam had banged his head. “I miss you. I just… I fucking miss you.” 

The door shut quietly and Ronan was alone.


	8. missed chances

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MERRY CHRISTMAS (◠‿◠✿)
> 
> I'm sorry this chapter was late. Christmas things were happening! I hope you all had a lovely day, or if Christmas is a bad time for you, I hope you survived and are now somewhere you can enjoy it <3
> 
> Thank you, as always, for all the feedback *mwah mwah mwah* (✿˵◕‿◕˵)

*Twelve months earlier*

**one year since the break up**

**November**

November brought icy paths and white tipped grass crunching underfoot. Bare branches shook in the chill wind, slipping under clothes like kisses. Adam pulled his thin coat tighter and tucked his red scarf into the collar. He licked his chapped lips even though he knew that made them worse. Tiredness bled into his vision making reality a disjointed and echoing thing. Students trundled past in groups. Friends. Lovers. Both.

Adam was alone.

Dusk had painted the sky a hazy twilight of reds and oranges. It glowed with the intensity of a bonfire. Most people were done for the day; heading back to their dorms, or more likely, the SU bar. Adam was not done. He had packed up after lectures and was heading straight to the library. He may have caught up his GPA but now he needed to regain his reputation. It was a lot harder to get back.

Tomorrow was the anniversary of him breaking up with Ronan. It had been a whole year since he'd seen him or heard his voice. A whole year without his cursing and his jokes, without his smile and touch. The ache was a gnawing pit in his gut and Adam burned with it.

He wasn't sleeping. Hadn't managed more than a few hours a night for the last few weeks. Tonight he wasn't even bothering to try. The library was open twenty four hours so he set himself up with an extra large coffee and some snacks. Adam was fine with counting down the hours to tomorrow. Of him breaking up with Ronan. Of him ruining his own life. 

No. Robert ruined his life. 

He couldn't allow himself to forget that.

Either way, nights had become a slow torture of happy memories and guilt, missing Ronan and pain. 

The library had the rustling quiet of paper being turned and pens scratching across notebooks. The tension left him as he sat at a lonely desk in the furthest corner of the top floor and pulled out his books. This he could do. Extra credit work. Notes for Christmas exams. Essays. Reading.

Dawn was just breaking the horizon when he called it. Early risers were arriving and chatting, breaking the silent hum. The all-nighters were heading to bed or lectures. With a sigh, he finished his paragraph and packed up. Chill air bit his tired skin when he pushed the glass door open. Tears leaked down his cheeks. He was so tired. So very tired. 

He sat down on a damp wall. Adam was aching, aching, aching. He pulled out his phone. “Screw it.”

He hit Ronan's number. 

_The number you have dialled is no longer available. Please try again._

Adam swallowed down the sob. “Screw it,” he muttered again before dragging himself up. Hating he was still on academic probation and couldn't just skip, he trudged over to his first class. The weight of his phone burned in his pocket.

******

**December**

“Merry Christmas, asshole,” Blue screeched down the phone, so loud it made Adam pause on the stairs. 

“Yeah, you too maggot. How's the baby baking going? Bun still in the oven?"

"I'm as big as a fucking house."

Ronan laughed and Adam slid down the wall, knees suddenly unstable, heart tearing like paper. He was with Blue and Gansey for Christmas, staying in the mansion the Gansey's called home. It had been a slightly awkward affair what with Blue being six months pregnant and Gansey's parents not exactly approving of her. Not that they didn't like her. Just that the pregnancy had throw everything up in the air. She was only twenty. It was very sudden. Neither of them had finished college yet. They weren't married and Blue had no interest in it. Mrs Gansey was a senator. This was a _scandal_ and the Gansey's hated scandal.

"So how's DC?"

Ronan sounded so good to Adam's starving heart. He reached up and laced his fingers through the green thingy lacing up the bannister. It probably had a name. Something he didn't know and couldn't ask without revealing where he came from. It was made of real pine needles that prickled his skin. Pulling his hands back, he tucked them into the thick grey carpet and listened to Ronan's voice. It had been _so_ long since he'd heard it; the thick timbre, the bite at the end of each word, the click of his tongue when he was annoyed.

He ignored the guilt of eavesdropping niggling at his gut.

“You know the Gansey's. More parties than quiet family time, but we're spending New Years in mine, and mom wanted me to invite you.”

Blue hadn't mentioned it to Adam. A slither of disappointment crept along his spine. He was planning on spending New Year's alone in his dorm. Doing his thesis. It was fine. This devide with his friends was his fault.

Ronan's voice was gruff with uncertainty when he replied, “Who's going?”

“Don’t worry, I didn't invite him.” The words were brittle and guilt-ridden. “He’s spending it alone. I just… It doesn't matter. Forget it.”

“You can fucking mention him." The words were angry but the tone was hurting. "I'm not that fucking sensitive.”

Blue sighed. “Tell that to the puppy dog eyes you just pulled.”

“Fuck you, maggot.” The smile was back in Ronan's voice. 

Adam ached, ached, ached. 

“Are you having a nice Christmas?”

“Declan and Matthew are here until the twenty seventh. We're doing midnight mass tonight and presents in the morning. I dunno, it's hard this time of year. Miss my mom and dad. Miss him. Last year was so fucking bad.” Ronan stuttered, breath shuddering over the line and crawling up Adam's spine. “Fuck, Blue.” It was silent for a few seconds. “Henry and Noah going to new year's?”

Blue seemed to expect the conversation change. “As far as I know. You know Henry, he can't spend more than a few days with his mother.”

“Noah's the same. He's coming back the twenty sixth.”

Blue laughed. “I better go, we're heading out for dinner, and to watch the lights switch on, and then back here for the Gansey's Christmas Eve extravaganza," she said in a flat voice.

Ronan laughed. “Sounds fucking awful. Enjoy.”

“Have you talked to Gansey yet?”

“Called him earlier.”

“I got my own call? I'm honoured, Ronan.”

“Yeah well, you know I fucking love ya, maggot. You and the baby.”

“If you can't say it at Christmas.” Blue laughed. “I love you too, asshole. Now stop avoiding your brothers and go away.”

Adam swallowed, blinking the tears from his eyes. He pushed himself up and the movement blocked out the sounds of them saying goodbye. The ache was so strong, he struggled to drag in breathes. The _want_ hollowed him out until he felt like a collapsing structure, obliterating the remains of his heart on the way down. He fixed the collar of his shirt, wiped the creases from his trousers and painted a smile on his face. It was too easy now to fake a happy mood. 

At least, he needed to fake it less and less. Healing was just a longer process than he thought it was going to be. Rubbing a tired hand across the back of his head, he went to tell Blue he was ready for dinner. She was staring at her phone, face blank. 

“Hey," he asked. "You okay?” 

She shook her head but painted on her own smile. “Of course, I'm good. It's Christmas.” Standing, she grabbed Adam's hand and pulled him from the room. “Gansey,” she screamed. “We're ready to go.”

“Coming. Coming," he called from upstairs. "One second."

Adam stared down at his hands. Ronan's words were echoing in his head, _Miss him. Last year was so fucking bad_. He gulped down the lump in his throat.

“You okay?”

He started, “What? Yeah, sorry. Just zoned out there for a minute. Hungry is all.”

She examined his face and nodded. “All right then. Let's get you fed.” 

****

**February**

The bar Blue choose to have her twenty first in was so out of character Adam could only assume Gansey had picked it. This was confirmed when he sat down at the table and Gansey was pleading with Blue that _it had good yelp reviews, I really didn't realise it would be so..._ He waved his hand at this as if gesturing to the whole place. 

It wasn't that bad, Adam thought, just a little too packed with stockbrokers and other suit wearers. Heavy dark wood coloured the walls, hung with pictures of old bars. Backlit whiskey bottles decorated one wall. Booths lined beneath it. It had taken him ten minutes just to reach them from the door. A tiny reserved sign sat in the table. 

Noticing Blue’s drink was empty, he waved a glass in her direction. At eight months pregnant, she looked uncomfortable in layers of elastic and ripped t-shirts.

She nodded, grimly, “If I'm to survive tonight, I'll need it. Not that virgin cocktails do anything.” She dropped her hands in a helpless gesture. "It wasn't meant to be like this."

“We can leave once everyone arrives.” Gansey looked so sincere, Blue kissed him. 

“You were being thoughtful and I love you. I just hate this place and being this big and having people stare.” 

"I think you look rather dashing, Jane."

Adam smiled but left before they got too gooey. Tonight, he wasn't sure he could handle it. The bar was halfway between the door and their table. Noah waved as he passed him, signalling Adam to buy him a drink. Someone pressed against him and he bit his lip to stop himself from pushing them off. He hated crowded bars like this. Hated being so close to this many people. A bead of sweat dribbled down his back.

He was finally leaning against the bar, staring at the door distracted, when he saw a familiar buzz cut. His stomach dropped. Ronan stood in the doorway, glancing around the room, before muttering something to himself that looked distinctly like _fuck this_ to Adam's desperate eyes. He turned and left. 

He'd barely been in the bar for ten seconds. 

“What can I get you?” 

Adam glanced at the barman and away, already heading to the door. The bar held a sea of people, all bitching about work and bosses, and none willing to move, _please just move_. Frantic, he pushed through them, ignoring the shouts of annoyance that followed. He wasn't thinking. Instinct had taken over. All he wanted was to see Ronan, to be near him and feel his warmth.

Still, he took him three minutes to burst through the door and suck in a gasp of chill night air. The street was empty. A bouncer in a dark black suit was eyeing him.

"Did you see a man with a shaved head?"

The bouncer grunted. "Drove off in a BMW."

Adam heaved in a wet breath. "Fuck."

Ronan was gone.


	9. Just. Just. Just.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy last day of 2018!! We did it, you guys! We actually survived!! 
> 
> This continues from the same day as the last Ronan chapter. Just in case that's not clear. 
> 
> TW; Robert Parrish. Nothing happens but a conversation. I just feel like he deserves a trigger warning. 
> 
> Thanks to everyone for all the support on this fic so far!! It's by far the most angsty thing I've ever written and I'm so pleased your sticking with me during this miserable time lol!

Ronan stared at the ceiling, listening as Monmouth woke up. They were mumbles and grunts. Someone called for coffee. He thought maybe Adam responded, but the kitchen was the other end of the floor, and the response was lost in the echoing ceiling. A door slammed. Footsteps echoed across the floor.

Ronan scratched his ribs, digging his fingernails into the skin. There was a lightning storm of anxiety in his chest and it was growing stronger. The pillow beside him smelt stale and dusty with just a hint of Adam.

He had no idea why Adam had broken up with him. 

It was a useless fact he usually pushed away. Only on the worst nights did he take it out and allow it to tear chunks from him. 

The call had been over so quickly. 

They just never spoken again. 

_Just_.

Like it wasn't the hardest thing he'd ever done. Like he hadn't sat with his phone in his hand countless nights, convincing himself not to press the green button. Like that first month it hadn't felt like drowning. Like he hadn't missed Adam with every aching breath. 

After they'd hung up, after Adam had ripped his heart out, Ronan had smashed his phone and climbed into bed. Despite the fact it was the middle of the day. He had no idea what the fuck had happened. Noah found him eventually. Ronan never told him but he knew. Adam must have told Gansey. Noah crawled into to bed beside him and held his hand. It was a fumbling sort of comfort. 

Ronan didn't talk. He was just trying to keep his head up out of the darkness, just trying to survive the gaping, bleeding wound Adam had slashed through his chest. His heart was shattered. 

He was fucking shattered. 

He took a shuddering breath and pulled himself back to the present. He hated thinking about it still. It hurt with the echoes of an old injury. Even healed, his body remembered. 

The sun slanted through the window. Slowly the shadows lightened and a cold November day appeared. He rolled his head lazily over his pillow and stared out at the pale blue sky. There were no clouds. 

Blue laughed. Noah cheered. A door shut. 

Ronan stared back to the roof. 

Adam missed him. Adam _fucking_ missed him. Adam cared. Probably. Maybe. 

He had no idea what to do with that knowledge.

He wasn't sure if it mattered. It had been two years. Adam had broken him. Really properly destroyed him and his heart. He was all healed now. All the pieces glued back together. There was no way he would ever let himself be hurt that way again. Letting Adam be his friend was playing with fire, he knew that. There was an inescapable gravity between them; Lynch-and-Parrish, best friends, them against the world, and Gansey when needed. They fell into old routines, into old roles, so easily, it was like no time has passed, but it had.

Ronan reminded himself of the two years he was left alone. He banged his fist against the mattress. “Fuck,” he muttered, bringing his wrist to his mouth and biting his leather bracelets. “Fuck.” 

The old wound throbbed. 

The was a gentle tap at the door. 

“Yeah?” His voice was rougher than he liked. Unshed tears sat heavy on his chest. “I'm decent.”

“Oh, man, that's the biggest lie you've ever told,” Adam said as he pushed the door open. “Coffee.”

Ronan pushed himself up and ignored how Adam's eyes dragged over his exposed chest. Farmer life had bulked him out, turning his scrawny ass into all muscle and broadness. “Thanks, you didn't have to.”

“I wanted to.” 

Adam handed him the cup and sat down on the edge of the bed. He looked good, sepia skin pale with lack of sleep, hair mussed and blue eyes bright. The dark t-shirt he wore stretched across his chest and arms. Ronan wasn't the only one who had grown up. 

“Blue and Gansey have family things today so I thought maybe we could start getting things for the-” Adam paused and glanced over at the half-open door. “-surprise,” he whispered. 

Ronan burned with other things Adam had once whispered to him. He nodded, mouth suddenly dry. When he sipped the coffee, it was made exactly how he liked it. He hated how his heart jumped over Adam remembering. 

“I'll buy you lunch too if you wanted to eat.” He rubbed the back of his head. “I mean only if you wanted to.” 

“Sure, man.” Another sip of burning coffee. Another decision slowly opening the wound up again. “Yeah,” he agreed again as if convincing himself. 

His heart thudded, thudded, thudded. 

Fire ate at his lungs. Adam had run his hand through his hair, wiping it from his forehead. His elegant cheekbones glowed bright in the morning light. The heat of the coffee had turned his lips crimson. 

_Want_ tore through Ronan. 

Adam was right _there_. 

He could just lean forward, close the space, and taste his lips again. He could feel the breathy gasps Adam always made when Ronan kissed him. He could run his fingers through Adam's hair, crawl on top of him and kiss until they were both aching for more. He could give him more. Happily. Anything Adam wanted Ronan would do, just for the chance to touch him again. 

_Just_

There was that word again. 

_Just_

He was _just_ lying about how big the yearning cresting through him was. Like waves across a stormy beach. Nothing would satisfy it; not one kiss, not one touch, not one night. 

He needed Adam forever or not at all. 

Still, Ronan's eyes stole pieces of Adam. Enough to keep himself awake on a lonely night after Adam had left him again. 

Silence stretched between them like Adam knew what he was thinking. He watched Adam's blue eyes flick down to his lips and back to his eyes. Ronan watched his throat as he swallowed. Watched as Adam ran his tongue over his bottom lip and bit it between white teeth. 

Ronan burned. He couldn't do it, couldn't deny himself any longer. He leaned forward, heart slamming in his chest. The coffee burned his hands and the sheets rustled as he moved his legs to get closer, closer, closer. 

Adam swallowed again. He didn't move away. 

The door slammed open and Ronan jolted so hard he spilled hot coffee all over his hand. “Fuck, ow.” He shuffled back, putting the cup down and glanced up at Noah's smiling face. “What the fuck, man?”

Adam was already standing. Already putting distance between them. Ronan felt irrationally grateful. He needed space. He needed time to figure out the noise in his head. The thud of his heart was making it hard to breath. A headache was forming behind his temples. 

“Blue and Gansey just left so operation save the baby has begun.” Noah did a little dance on the spot, back and forth like a herd of elephants. 

Ronan winched and put his thumb in his mouth to ease the burn. 

“Save the baby?” Adam asked, voice rough but casual. He leaned against the wall and sipped his own cup of coffee. “Really, Noah?” 

Noah nodded, up and down frantically like a bobblehead. “Because of Sarah. We're saving her from a terrible fate.”

Ronan was still sucking his thumb. He could feel Adam's eyes on him. Another night broke free of his mental prison; a couch and darkness and Adam under him. _He put Adam's fingers to his mouth_. 

He swallowed, and when he spoke, his voice was thick, “Alright, whatever. You and Henry sort family and food. Me and Adam will do decorations,” he said around his finger. “Alright?” He repeated, brain a frazzled mess. Words were skirting through too fast to grasp. Heat pooled in uncomfortable places and _he had almost kissed Adam_. What the fucking fuck had he been fucking thinking? 

Adam coughed, but when Ronan glanced over at him, he was staring at the ground. “Works for me,” he answered, cheeks red. 

Noah slammed his hand against the wall. “Amazing. HENRY! GET UP!”

“Jesus Mary, Noah.” Ronan dropped his hand and picked up his coffee again. “Get the fuck out and wake him.”

Noah laughed a high, happy noise and ran from the room, closing the door behind him. 

Awkward silence fell. Ronan sipped his coffee. Adam stared at the floor. A bird chirped outside the window. 

“What happened to Chainsaw?” 

The question caught him by surprise. Sometimes it was easy to forget how much Adam had missed. Little things, day to day things. The familiar ache started in Ronan's gut. Adam had left him alone. 

Adam had hurt him. 

Adam had never even tried to talk to him again, to explain why he'd done it. The _why_ kept him up at night. The _why_ burned him as badly as the hot coffee. Because no answer meant that he was left creating reasons and every time that meant he was to blame. It was Ronan's fault. It had to be. 

He pushed the thoughts away and glanced out the window to the tiny blue jay. “I set her free about fifteen months ago. Ravens mate for life. I wanted her to have a family.” 

He didn't mention he also mated for life, didn't mention Adam had left him alone and unable to love again. Not really. Not how it counted. He knew it was stupid. Knew he would eventually have to move on, but it was safe here, nursing his wounds and stopping all chance of getting hurt again. If he couldn't trust his best friend not to break him, how in god's name could he trust a stranger?

It wasn't a coincidence that his teenage pet had been a raven. “She still lives on the farm. She leaves me presents.” 

“I missed…” Adam shook his head and took a long sip of coffee. “God, I'm hungover.”

The throbbing in Ronan's head had little to do with alcohol and more to do with the emotional whiplash of the morning. “Let's go get some food. It'll help.” 

Adam nodded. “Sure, I'll let you get dressed.” He's eyes darted back to Ronan's chest and a bright blush ate his face. “Out there. I'll be out there.” He stumbled from the room, ears still burning. 

Ronan knocked his head off the wall and sighed. “You are so fucked,” he muttered quietly so Adam wouldn't hear. “So fucking fucked.” 

******

The diner was bright lit, with gaudy red paint and plastic seats but the pancakes were the best in Virginia. Even if the music was all fifties hits and hillbilly rock. Ronan had his legs pulled in under his chair. As far away from Adam as possible. He was sipping his third cup of coffee and staring around the half full restaurant. There was no one interesting. A family was struggling with a screaming toddler. A couple of truckers sat at the counter. Some Raven boys sat in a booth at the back. 

Ronan kept his eyes firmly off Adam. The restaurant crowd was boring but at least it was safe. 

Adam was on the phone to Maura confirming what they'd need to buy in dollar city. When he was finished, he tucked the phone into his back pocket and picked up his own coffee. “I think you've just become Maura's favourite person.”

Ronan shrugged and looked into his empty cup. “You didn't need to tell her it was my idea.”

“Course I did.” He looked down at the chipped plastic table. “It was… It was the right thing to do.”

An uneasy silence fell between them. 

The almost kiss hung heavy in the air. Two years weighed down on them. Too much had passed to have easy an conversation. Not without booze. Not without the others around. History had a way of catching up with them when they finally stopped moving. A plate clattered into a sink somewhere behind the counter and cutlery clinked against metal. The ebb and flow of conversation filled the space. Ronan couldn't think of a single thing to say. The waitress arrived and dropped two plates of pancakes in front of them. 

Ronan grunted his thanks. Adam asked for more napkins. They ate quietly, only talking to ask the other to pass the butter or syrup. 

Jittery anxiety rolled like an earthquake beneath his skin. He scratched his wrist absently. “So, what did Maura say?” He finally asked when his food was done, and his fourth cup of coffee was gone, and they were waiting on the bill. 

“She's thrilled. I think she knows how much Blue is struggling.”

Ronan's shoulders tensed. He hated the thought of her suffering alone. Hated the false face she'd put on. 

As if reading his thoughts, Adam nodded. “I wish I'd known. Wish I could've helped.”

“Well, we all suck apparently. We weren't helping Gansey either.” Anger bit at Ronan's words. Gansey should have told them. “Anyway let's go.” He dropped twenty on the table and stalked to the entrance. He could feel Adam eyeing him and the money. 

“I said it'd be my treat,” he called out. 

Ronan shrugged. “You paid last time.”

“That was two years ago,” he replied, catching up with him in the parking lot. “How do you even remember that?”

“I remember everything, Parrish. Fucking everything.” He slammed his way into the car, missing whatever Adam said in reply. By the time he got into the seat beside Ronan, the radio was blasting EDM. 

Neither talked. 

******

Dollar store was as tacky and awesome as ever. Him and Noah still went sometimes when they couldn't sleep. It had good memories of sleepless nights, coloured brighter because of exhaustion and full of the type of laughter you could only reach when you've long given into insomnia. 

Ronan crawled through the aisles at snail pace, picking up too many lights and too few decorations. Adam kept insisting it wasn't a baby shower and making Ronan put back the banners and tiny baby shapes he kept sneaking into the cart. They rounded the corner of the snack aisle, because Ronan refused to leave without twinkies, when a familiar face turned to them. 

Robert Parrish had gotten old; grey streaked hair, alcohol reddened skin, broken veins lined his cheeks and his eyes drooped at the edges. He squinted as if he barely recognised Adam. “Son?”

Adam tensed beside him, hands falling from the cart. He stepped out from behind it, closer to Ronan. 

“Back in town, are ya?” He took a step towards them, something vaguely menacing in the set of his shoulders. “Didn't think to visit your old man?”

Ronan met Robert's cool stare. 

“You can't be talking to me. You know the rules.” Adam's voice was pure steel. “I don't care if you're here but you can't speak to me.”

Robert took another step forward and Adam went rigid. “You don't get to tell me what to do, boy.” 

When Ronan started to step between them, Adam put his hand on his wrist; a gentle hold that told Ronan he had this. A warm finger tapped a beat against the soft skin on the inside of his forearm. He stilled, standing side by side with Adam. 

Robert's eyes tracked the movements. “So, you and the rich boyfriend are still together, and here I thought you'd have ruined that by now.”

The tapping sped up.

“Either leave me alone or I'll call the sheriff. He knows all about the restraining order.” Adam fished out his phone with his free hand, unlocked it and clicked on the sheriff departments number. He did it all without taking his eyes off his dad. Like he'd practiced the movement. “You’ve already broken it twice. Third time means prison.”

Robert took another step forward, toe to toe with Adam. “You wouldn't dare.”

Adam didn't flinch. Just hit the call button and put the phone to his ear. “Hi, this is Adam Parrish. I've a restraining order against my father and he's refusing to leave.” A voice spoke at the other end of the line. “Dollar city, madam, off Main Street.” 

Robert took a step back. 

“Actually, I think he might be having second thoughts.” There was no expression on Adam's face. Only the tapping finger belied his nerves. “I wouldn't want to bring a deputy down here if he leaves.” 

Robert took another step back, face like thunder. “You're an embarrassment to the Parrish name,” he hissed. “I'm ashamed of you.” 

“Yeah, well, I'm not exactly proud of you.” Adam kept the phone to his ear. “Yes, mam. I think he's leaving.”

Robert curled his lips in disgust, but still, he turned and stalked down the aisle. 

“He's gone. Thank you for your help. I'll call in later to make an official complaint.” He finished the call and took a shuddering breath. The grip on Ronan's wrist was almost painful. “Lynch, sorry. I just…”

“You don't need to apologise to me about that shit.” Ronan kept his voice steady but his heart was pounding. Love and pride and rage fought within him. “You know that, Parrish.” 

Adam nodded and swiped his free hand up the back of his hand. “I haven't seen him in awhile.”

Ronan could feel him shaking through the one point of contact. “We can do the shopping later if you want? Go grab a drink or something.”

“I think we're mostly done. Let's pay and then I'd kill for a drink. I just need a second.” He finally let go of Ronan's wrist and leaned against the shelves. “My therapist told me it'd get easier, and it is when I'm not around Henrietta, when there's no chance of bumping into him.” He pushed himself back up. “Let's go.”

Ronan nodded, and without thinking, took Adam's hand, squeezing it like he used to. “Restraining order, eh?”

“Long story,” Adam replied, staring down at their joined hands. “I'll tell it to you sometime.” Ronan went to take his hand back and Adam tightened his grip. “Just until my pulse calms a bit, okay?” 

“Sure, Parrish. No problem.”


	10. endings can be beginnings too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is short because I was at a funeral and I'm just not feeling it today. But we're all caught up with Adam after this chapter so his next chapter will be a run down of the fic from his point of view and then we're in the endgame!!! 
> 
> Also if anyone is confused by the timeline do let me know! 
> 
> I'd appreciate all the comments because I'm sad and you guys always cheer me up (◕‿◕✿)

**March**

Adam fell in the door, exhausted. He slumped down onto his bed, face first and groaned into the pillow. It had been a longer day. Longer than any he could remember. His shoulders and and back were tight with tension. Everything ached; relief and tiredness. He was safe. He was protected. Tears clawed at his eyes. The knot of his tie dug into his throat and his collar was too tight. With a huff, he shifted onto his back. He pulled open his tie and opened the top button of his shirt. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hands.

His phone buzzed in his pocket. 

“Hey,” he answered, voice strained. 

Henry was uncharacteristically serious when he asked, “How'd it go?”

“It was alright. The lawyer was great, he had records all the way back to when I was a toddler.” Adam huffed out a sigh to hide the tremble in his voice. “I didn't even know they went so far back.”

“I'm sorry, Adam.”

He shrugged even though Henry couldn't see it. “Thanks for loaning me your family's lawyer. A public defender wouldn't have done nearly as well.”

“You trusted me. You don't have to thank me.” He heard Henry shut a door and the sound of his footsteps. “Are you going to tell them? Gansey and Blue, Noah?”

“Not until I tell Ronan. He deserves the truth first.” He played with a loose thread on the sleeve of his crisp white shirt. The phone rested between his ear and shoulder. “I mean if he'll talk to me, if I ever got the chance. It's been over a year though, he might not even care.” 

The doubt had been plaguing him ever since he'd tried to call Ronan. Even before that, since he'd decided to get better, and than again, more recently, with the restraining order. Telling Ronan was the next step in healing, they'd decided, him and his therapist. He would never be able to forgive himself until he told the truth. Ronan didn't have to forgive him, that was his perogative, but Adam needed to let go of the guilt.

Henry sighed. “You know that's not true.”

“I don't know anything. Not anymore.”

Henry laughed, loud and carefree. “Adam, you're smarter than that.” Despite the laughter, there was only kindness in his voice. “You know how he felt about you, feels about you. I'm not going to lie, and say you didn't break his heart, but I don't think it's hopeless. Not if you mean it. Not if you're sure.”

“I've always been sure about Ronan. It was everything else that got all messed up.” The walls of his dorm was beige concrete. It was depressing and cold. He rang his fingers along it and wished he could go back to The Barns. He missed it with a hollow ache. “Dad was at the court today. Drove all the way up just to put it on official record how much of a disappointment I am.”

“Decent man, your father.”

Adam pushed out a laugh at the dry tone. “Oh he's something alright.”

“What are you doing tonight?”

Adam sat up, letting his feet land heavily. His desk was thick with books and papers. “Sit in. Study. Usual.”

“Thought your therapist said you had to make friends.” Another door shut and Henry clicked his tongue. "You know built a support system for days like today."

“I go to drinks on a Thursday night," he argued, even though he knew it was crap. He hadn't tried to make friends, not really. Between school and work and therapy, he didn't have much time for other people in his life. "I run in a group on Saturday mornings. I'm social.”

Henry laughed. “You are a wild one, Adam.”

A knock sounded at his room. “Hold on a sec,” he answered, standing and walking the four steps to his door, swinging it open. 

Henry stood on the other side, hair as tall as ever with a shit-eating grin on his face. “You didn't really think I wouldn't show up, did ya?”

“I… What the…” He exhaled in shock when Henry threw his arm across his shoulder and pulled him out of the dorm. "How?"

"You need a support system for days like today. I told ya." Henry glanced back into the room. “We're not staying in. It's miserable in there. Let's go find some trouble.” 

“I can't believe you're here,” Adam muttered, allowing himself to be pulled from the room. "Seriously."

Henry shrugged, leading him down the corridor. "I'd have brought reinforcements but you swore me to secrecy. Their loss, I'm sparkling company."

Adam laughed, feeling the strain of the day slipping away. "Thanks, man. I appreciate it." He'd been alone for so long, relying solely on himself, and sometimes Gansey, that he'd forgotten he had a whole family behind him. He could do this. He could rebuild his home with them. "Let's go get some food. I haven't eaten all day."

************

**July**

Sarah was a tiny, squirming bundle in his arms. At four months old, she had started gaining weight and stretching out. Big round cheeks giggled up at him each time he blinked down at her. Blue was sitting across from him, wrapped in a blanket. She was leaning into Gansey, head resting on his arm. She looked tired, pale with dark circles under her eyes. Her hair was unusually flat. 

“Is she sleeping?” He asked, bopping her on his knee. “You look tired.”

“She's up every hour,” Gansey said with a smile. He looked tired but not as much as Blue. His wireframe glasses hid most of the damage. “But we switch off each night. It's a system.”

Blue grinned something small. “She's like a pooping, crying, eating machine.”

“Sounds charming.” Except Sarah currently had a hold of his finger and Adam was slowly falling in love. “Okay, maybe a little charming,” he said, smiling down at her blue eyes. “When's the naming ceremony?”

“We think November after our graduations,” Gansey said, wrapping a tighter hold around Blue. “But we were wondering if maybe-” he glanced down at her and she nodded. “We were wondering if you'd like to be her godfather?”

Adam stared between them. “What? Wait, really?” He looked down at Sarah who was chewing one of his fingers. “Me?”

“Yes, Adam. You. If you'd like,” Blue said, a teasing tone pulling at her lips again. “We think you'd be great at it.”

Something like pride poured through Adam, warming him from the inside out. “Sure. Absolutely. I mean, yes. Definite yes.” 

“Brilliant,” Gansey clapped his hands and Sarah jerked, bursting into tears as she did. “Oh shit.” He took her off Adam and started packing the floor with her. "Shush, baby. Shush. Daddy just got a bit excited is all. I'm gonna take her upstairs. I think she needs to be changed."

“Who's the godmother?” Adam asked when he'd left.

Blue examined him for a second. “We're not having a godmother. Just two godfathers.”

Fear slithered across his skin. “Who's the other godfather?”

“I'll give you one guess.”

She wasn't cruel when she said it but Adam was reminded suddenly of the six months she refused to talk to him. “Does he know?”

“We're not telling him until closer to the time. If you're going to be there, we can't guarantee he would turn up.” The searching look she shot at him crawled beneath his skin and settled in his bones. “Are you ever going to tell us why you did it?”

Adam's heart was thumping in his chest. He missed Sarah's heat. “It's no one's business but mine and Ronan's.”

“Well, you never told him either.” Blue shifted, leaning forward and resting her elbows on her knees. "You just left him alone with no explanation."

“Blue, if you've something to say," he snapped. "Just say it."

“I thought I was saying it," she spoke gently but irratation laced her words. "You want the truth?" 

Adam nodded, feeling suddenly tired. He didn't want to talk about this. Not now. Not ever, really. He'd already gone through it in great detail with his therapist; he understood his behaviour now, understood why he'd let his dad back in and why he'd run from Ronan, why he'd cut his friends out and why he was still protecting himself. The only person who deserved an explanation now was Ronan. Then maybe everyone else. He knew he didn't live in a bubble, and his friends wanted the truth as well, but they just had to respect his boundaries. He'd tell them when he was ready.

Blue bit her lip once, as if unsure, and then blurted out, "I think it was the biggest mistake of your life breaking up with him.”

Adam laughed, suddenly and without joy. “That's it? That's what you've been biting back all these years?" He laughed again. Except this time it was closer to a growl. Annoyance flared up, burning him. "You think I don't know that, Blue? You think he's not the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing at night? Do you really think I haven't carried that regret around for almost two years?” The anger was a flash of red and he hated it. “I better go, long drive home. Tell Gansey I said bye.”

She didn't react, just stared at her hands, as he quietly left the room. 

She caught up with him as he reached the front door, throwing her arms around him from behind and pinning his arms to his sides. “I'm sorry,” she muttered into his t-shirt. “I'm really fucking tired, and I know that isn't an excuse, but I just had a baby, and I'm using it.”

He turned around slowly, freeing his arms, and pulled her to his chest. He didn't answer, couldn't. Not with the diamond-crusted lump slicing up his throat. This was the most they'd talked about Ronan in months and the ache inside him was nauseating. Ronan missed him? Might still want him? The thought made him ache as badly as he had those first few weeks.

“Stay, okay? I'm sorry for before, for all of it. I shouldn't have frozen you out. It wasn't fair." Blue squeezed tighter like she was afraid he would disappear. "Don't go. Have dinner like we planned.”

He smiled into her hair, relieved. She'd never apologised before. Something settled inside him like _finally, maybe, hopefully_ their friendship was back in the right place again. “Yeah, alright," he answered, refusing to finish the hug just yet. "Let's have dinner."

*******

**November**

There was a bubbling excitement fluttering in Adam's chest. It was flowed like electricity through him, building in strength since July. He'd only slept a few hours before he'd gotten up and packed, folding his clothes with a carefulness learned from always having too little money and not enough clothes. It had been too long since he'd seen Ronan, measured in years and months. Now it was down to days and hours. He scanned the room once, and when he was sure he had everything he needed, he hefted the bag onto his shoulder and headed downstairs. 

His hands shook as he unlocked the car. This was it. Two years of working on himself, on finishing college, on healing, and he was going back to Henrietta, and seeing Ronan. If he was lucky, _finally, maybe, hopefully_ , he would let Adam explain it all.

Adam had no hope Ronan would want to try again. He just hoped they could be friends. See each other at birthdays and such. Maybe at Christmas or New Year's. Be in each others lives just a _little bit_. Anything. Adam would take _anything_. He was greedy for Ronan, but he'd spent his life hungry; he understood a small amount could keep him nourished for a long time. It wouldn't be enough, nothing but all of Ronan would be enough, but Adam knew how to survive on _not enough_. He'd been doing it his whole life.

When he stepped out of the dorms, his breath mushroomed in front of him. It was still dark. Excitement made him jog over to his car. It was cold in the morning air; frost lacing the windows. The trees surrounding the carpark were bare and the grass was tipped with white. Light crawled from the horizon like thin fingers, melting into the navy sky. He sat shivering in the car while the engine slowly heated up. When warm air finally fell from the vents, he backed from the carpark and left campus. 

One chance. 

He was giving himself _one chance_ to explain and gain forgiveness. Mostly from himself, and maybe, a little, from Ronan. If Ronan didn't want him back in his life, if he was seeing someone else or just hated him, then he would let him go. If he was going to survive, Adam had to draw a line, and never cross it again. He would have to say goodbye and live with the regret.

“One chance,” he whispered before turning up the radio to drown out his thoughts. 

Adam drove home.


	11. goodbye, goodbye, my heart, goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh guys, the angst. I can't even. Tiny bit nervous about this chapter. I so hope you all like it. 
> 
> TW; discussion of abuse
> 
> Thank you for all the lovely comments! You cheered me right up!!

Ronan was tired. 

The week was almost over but he was _so tired_. It was exhausting being friends with Adam, exhausting knowing that Adam had missed him, but not knowing what to do with the information, exhausting smiling and laughing with him like nothing had happened only to have it hit him like a freight train in the middle of a conversation. It was exhausting know Adam would be leaving at the end of the week and Ronan was going to have to heal all the new hurt. 

Because, Ronan was an idiot, and he was self-destructive, and his stupid heart never learned any better, because Ronan loved Adam fucking Parrish, and he always had, and he always would, and all this week had brought him was an influx of new _feelings_. 

Biting his bracelets, he groaned and started getting ready for the christening. He threw on a charcoal grey pair of trousers and buttoned up a stark black shirt. The edges of his tattoo seeped from the collar like blades. His sharp jawline and cheekbones added to the image he was cultivating; he was a blade and he would cut anyone who got too close. He’d even shaved his head last night. Finally, he knotted his tie in a way that could only be described as _leave me the fuck alone_. He shrugged on his suit jacket and examined himself. He looked unapproachable and dangerous. Perfect for a Gansey party. 

Too bad Adam was immune to his lack of charm. 

The minute he saw Ronan step from the BMW at St. Agnes, his face lit up in a wide, elastic grin. He was holding Sarah, protecting her from grabby republican hands, like he feared they would corrupt her with their politics. She was hanging off his hip, pulling at his tie and looking around at all the people in excitement. The kid was curious about everything and Ronan loved it. He couldn’t wait to teach her about the world. 

“Thank god you’re here, Lynch,” he exclaimed when Ronan stalked over to them, ignoring Noah's shouts. “This crowd is…” he paused, looking around and shrugging. “Well, you know.” 

Sarah tried to pull at his lip and Adam kissed the palm of her hand. 

Ronan melted. “Fuck, Adam,” he muttered. The sound of the crowd, women in clicking heels and men with booming voices, carried the words away unheard.

Adam glanced up from making faces at the baby. “Did you say something?”

“Is Dick and Maggot around?” Ronan scratched his cheek, hoping to hide the red blossoming there. "I thought they'd be socialising?" He waved his hand at the guests. There was a circle of space around them; a clear avoidance of Ronan. The chatter and laughter, witty comments and twinkling replies, was starting to give him a headache. He shifted closer to Adam on the pretence of rubbing Sarah's back. 

Adam rolled his eyes. “Family photos.”

“Without Sarah?”

“I think his mam wants to use them on the wedding invitations.”

“I sure Maggot fucking loves that.” He looked up to a clear blue sky. The sun hung low on the horizon. “Fucking hell.”

“I saved Sarah from the horror, didn’t I, baby?” Adam peppered kisses over her face. “Didn’t I?” 

Sarah gurgled in response and grabbed at him again. Adam swooped his head around and kissed her nose. She giggled. 

Ronan cleared his throat. “You’re good with her.”

“I love her.” Adam glanced over at him and shifted Sarah up further on his hip. “She's the love of my life.”

“And here I thought that was me, Parrish.” The razor sharp smile did little to hide the hurt behind the words. They fell from his mouth before his brain even considered saying them.

Adam froze and locked eyes with him for a long moment, but before he could answer, Noah appeared and hissed, “Ronan Niall Lynch, don’t even think being godparent means you can leave me with fucking republicans. How did you manage to get from here to there, unscathed by conversation?”

“Have you fucking seen me, Noah?” He replied, never taking his eyes off Adam. “You were with Henry.”

“Henry is fucking useless,” Noah retorted. “He could make friends in a paper bag. He's already convinced four people to buy antiques from him.”

Ronan snorted and broke eye contact, heart racing. “You're safe here, man. No one will come near you when you're with me.”

“He was always good at calling people on their shit, Noah. Stick with Lynch. He'll never let you forget your mistakes.” Adam didn't look at him when he handed Sarah off to Noah. “I gotta go… Inside.” He turned and walked away before either of them could react. 

“What did you do?” 

“Fucking nothing.” He took Sarah from Noah, ignoring how his face fell. “Hey, baby, let's go save your mommy from murdering someone. She'd do well in prison but it'd kill your dad.”

Sarah ignored him, preferring to look around and examine every single person who walked past her.

Noah followed him. “Seriously, I haven't seen him that upset in a while.”

“Noah, fucking leave it.” He walked around the church. Gansey and Blue were standing under a miserable looking tree getting their photo taken. “Blue, fucking sorry but Sarah needs to be changed.”

Helen appeared from nowhere. “I can do it.” 

Ronan sidestepped her. “Fuck no. She needs her mom.” He stepped in front of the camera and handed Sarah to her. “Sorry, Blue. I know you fucking love having your picture taken and all, but motherhood calls.”

Blue looked at him and the tension fell from her shoulders. “Thanks, asshole.” She took Sarah and gave him another relieved look. “Seriously.”

Ronan shrugged. “Fucked if I'm changing diapers.”

“Ronan, take a picture with me.” Gansey called over. “Blue, you go. Maybe find your mom.”

She nodded and wandered back over to the church. 

When she was out if earshot, he asked, “How's she doing, Dick?”

He shrugged and pulled Ronan in for a picture. “Better since telling you guys. The antidepressants are helping and the therapy. Better,” he nodded as if convincing himself. “She just didn't need this circus is all.”

They stopped talking while the photographer took what felt like a thousand pictures. When they were finally done, they were allowed to go back into the church. 

“It's gonna be a long fucking day, Dick.”

Gansey nodded in agreement. 

****

Ronan was wrong. It wasn't a long day; it was a fucking torturously slow day where time almost certainly stopped moving at least twice. 

Now was definitely one of those times.

He had somehow gotten caught talking to an old man, republican through and through. Grey hair, red tie and navy suit. He was trying to have a conversation about voter suppression. 

Ronan had tried being polite, had tried nodding and humming, ignored the casual homophobia through gritted teeth while thinking _it's Sarah's day, it's Sarah's day it's Sarah's day_ , but he'd reached the end of his rope, and he was just forming the words to annulate this fucker and his fucking opinions, when he felt a hand link his arm. 

“I'm so sorry, senator, but I just have to steal my boyfriend away for a moment. You know us gays, always needing to destroy the natural order.” 

It was said so politely and smoothly that it took the man a second to catch up with the words. The best part of Ronan's fucking day was watching as the senators face turned a shade of purple he'd only seen in the mucus on calves after they'd been born. Adam pulled him away but dropped his arm as soon as he could. Ronan instantly missed the heat of it. 

“You looked like you were about to explode,” Adam explained, still not looking at him. “Anyway, I better go help…” He waved across the crowd at no one in particular. 

When he went to walk off, Ronan caught his arm. “Adam, can we talk?”

“Now? Really?” He swept his hand around the room. Waiters wandered around with trays of champagne and tiny food. Chandeliers hung from the ceiling. The room was all dark mahogany and rich, red curtains. It was closer to a senate fundraiser than a christening. “This is where you want to have _this_ conversation?” 

Ronan shrugged, and linking their hands, pulled Adam from the hall. They walked silently through the corridors of Aglionby, and once he was sure Adam would follow, he dropped his hand. They ended up in their old Latin class and the sight of it made Adam huff out a tired laugh.

“It all started here, right?” He said bitterly, throwing himself into his old desk. “Why not end it here? Say what you have to say, Ronan. Get it off your chest. I know what I deserve.”

Ronan leant against the teacher's desk, crossed his arms and examined the other man. He looked exhausted; dark bags drowned his eyes and his mouth fell in a tight frown. His hands were dry, so dry Ronan wanted to get him more cream for them. The suit he wore fit perfectly. The crisp lines and dark colour made him look so far from the boy Ronan had known. God, he already missed Adam and he was sitting _right there_. 

“Why?” He choked out, voice already drenched in unshed tears. “Just why?”

It took Adam a long time to answer. He stared at his hands, and then at the board behind Ronan, and then back to his hands. A muscle in his jaw pulsed and he finally said, “My dad.”

“What?”

“After mom died-” Adam paused and ran a hand along the back of his head. “-I thought maybe we could have… No. I gave him my number, and I was so lost after she died, so when he rang, I answered.” He took a shuddering breath. “It was like he crawled inside my skin, Ronan. Like he was haunting my steps. He had so much power over me and he convinced me…”

“Convinced you,” Ronan prompted when he said nothing for a few minutes. 

Adam looked at him with watery eyes. “He convinced me I was worth nothing. Convinced me I wasn't worth you.” He wiped his eyes with the heel of his hands. “And I believed him. Fuck, Ronan. I believed him and I broke up with you. I shouldn't have. I knew I shouldn't have, but by then it was too late, and I didn't know how to make it right, and the thing is I couldn't make it right until I made me right? Do you get it? I was broken and I had to fix myself before I could consider fixing us.”

“Why didn't you tell me?” He hated that his voice cracked, hated that he couldn't breath. Tears were falling down his cheeks and he didn't even care. “Adam, I would have helped. Jesus fuck, Adam.” The beat of his pulse was a fluttering bird in his wrist. He wrapped his arms around his ribs. “I would have understood. I would have helped.”

Adam took a wet breath. “I know, Ronan. I know. But I broke us. I broke myself. No. No. I didn't.” He slammed a fist on the desk and flinched. “He did. He broke everything good in my world and left me to put it back together.” He rubbed his palms together. “And worst of all was how I broke you. Because I never meant to. I never would have if I was in my right mind, but I wasn't in my right mind, not that that changes how much I hurt you. I am so sorry, Ronan. I am so fucking sorry.”

Ronan shook his head, not able to talk, barely able to think. The tears wouldn't stop now. No matter how much he tried to push them away. Guilt was a burning pit in his stomach. Regret tore through him, if only he'd tried to see him after, if he hadn't just taken Adam's dismissal at face value. He bit his bracelets. The familiar taste calmed his heartbeat just a little. 

Adam was staring at the desk. “Ronan, do you think we could ever get back to what we were?” He didn't look at him as he said it. He looked so small with his shoulders hunched up and his hands clasped together. 

Ronan ached, ached, ached. 

“Adam, I can't… I…” He pushed himself up off the desk and stood for a second, watching Adam shrink into himself, ready for the rejection. Ronan wanted him so much, wanted to be with him again in all the ways that mattered, but there was a thrumming fear beneath his skin stopping him from closing the distance between them, because he had _just_ survived Adam leaving once. He wouldn't survive a second time. “I've got to go. I'm sorry.” 

All he could hear as he walked away was his own ragged breathing as his heart broke again.


	12. tomorrow is tomorrow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the lovely comments on the last chapter <3
> 
> I was gonna do a bit of a catch-up chapter from Adam's POV but then I thought fuck that noise let's keep the story moving forward!
> 
> I updated this on a bus, so if there are any glaring mistakes, do let me know!

Adam sat for a long time in the classroom before he even considered moving. He could hear the party, echoing up the hallway like the chatter of raven boys. Anxiety rumbled beneath his skin. He wasn't even sure if he stood now his legs would hold him up. 

The talk had gone exactly how he thought it would, and yet, these last few days he'd found himself hoping, hoping, hoping. 

It was burning through him now like poison. It was consuming his heart and tightening around his lungs. It was pushing tears up his throat and choking him. 

“Fuck,” he whispered. “Fucking fuck.”

When he'd seen Ronan at the bar the first night he'd arrived, he couldn't think, could barely talk. Ronan looked so _good_. Something had settled in Adam at the sight of him. All week he'd battled between trying to be friends and a desperate need to tell him the truth. He even thought Ronan was going to kiss him in Monmouth, after they'd slept in the same bed, and Adam had wrapped himself around him like he was coming home. He'd been so scared when he woke up, so scared Ronan would realise and push him away.

He was wrong though. 

Wrong about all of it. 

Because seeing how Ronan looked just before he left, seeing the devastation written across his face, watching how the boy who never shrunk down from anything had become smaller in front of him, was all he needed to know.

Ronan would never forgive him this. 

Not ever. 

The sun had disappeared behind the horizon by the time he finally pushed himself up. He was weak and shuddering. It'd been a few hours since he'd eaten but the thought of food made his stomach churn dangerously. The sound of the christening had long since faded. 

The hallway was dark. Dimmed lights lit the lockers and threw shadows across the floor. He felt empty like all his energy had been sucked through a straw. He pushed open the door open to a cold November night. The air stung his chapped lips. Tears leaked from his eyes, unwanted. 

He sat behind the wheel of his car and banged his hands. “Fuck it.” He took out his phone and called Henry. “Can you and Noah meet me at Monmouth? I think… I need to tell them, Henry.”

Henry sighed. “We'll be right over. It's gonna be okay, Adam.”

“Yeah, maybe. I'll see you in a bit.” He hung up and called Gansey. “We're coming over,” he said when Gansey picked up. “I know you're all tired but it's important.”

“Sure,” he answered, confused. “Are you okay?”

“I’m…” He took a wet breath. “I'll be over in a few minutes.”

Blue was half asleep when Adam walked into Monmouth. Gansey nudged her when he saw Adam and he couldn't help but wonder what was written across his face. He fell into the chair at the desk and ran a hand across his face. Tiredness bit at him and he shut his eyes for a second, gathering his thoughts. 

“Noah and Henry are on the way," he said finally. "I'd rather just tell you all together.”

He didn't miss the silent conversation between them, all eyebrow and mouth quirks. 

Gansey glanced at him. The expression on his face was so neutral, it had to be forced. “Beer?”

Adam nodded in agreement. Although with the firestorm in his chest, and the thin control he had over himself, he wasn't actually sure it was a good idea. If he loosened his grip even a little, he thought maybe he wouldn't get it back.

The bottle was cold in his hand. Condensation gathered on top of the fingers gripping it. 

“What's this about, Adam?” Blue asked, gently. 

He shrugged and took a long drag of his beer. “I'll tell you when they get here.” His voice shook at the end and he hated it. 

He slouched down in the seat and stared up at the reaching ceiling of the factory. This place held so many memories and he missed them all. Almost all of them contained Ronan in some form or another.

Ronan had looked so broken, so small and hurt. The look on his face tore at Adam. He had done that. He'd caused that injury, one that didn't look like it would heal anytime soon. 

Adam had done that. 

He took a shuddering breath. “Fuck,” he muttered and pulled at the label of his bottle. 

Before they could ask, words already forming on Gansey's lips, the door was flung open and Noah appeared. 

“What the fuck did you do to him?” He wasn't shouting but Adam flinched nonetheless. “I haven't seen him like that since the first time you left. Jesus, Adam. You couldn't leave well enough alone.”

Henry put a soothing hand on Noah. “Just hear him out, Noah. Just let him have his say.”

Noah threw his arms up and flung himself down beside Blue. His eyes narrowed when Henry leaned on the desk beside Adam. 

“What happened, man?” He asked, putting a gentle hand in his shoulder. 

“I told him. I told him the truth.” 

“Went as well as expected?”

Adam managed a tiny smile. “Worse.”

“Can someone please tell us what's going on?” Gansey asked, taking off his wire framed glasses and wiping them with the bottom of his tie. 

It was such a Gansey action Adam felt some of the tension leave his shoulders. “Where's Sarah?” 

“With my mam,” Blue replied. “I needed a second to breath.”

“Sorry.” 

She shook her head. “Adam, just tell us “

He took a shuddering breath. “It was my dad.” He glanced down away from the confusion on their faces. “That's why I broke up with Ronan. My dad, he got into my head. My therapist called it psychological abuse, but anyway, that was why. By the time I got my head sorted out again, broke free of him again, it was too late.”

Noah's mouth was hanging open in a small O. He snapped it shut and turned to Henry. “You knew?”

Henry shrugged one shoulder, and took the beer from Adam, gulping down the end of it. “He needed help getting a restraining order.”

“Adam, we didn't know. I'm so sorry.” Blue looked devastated. “I didn't talk to you… Oh god, Adam, I'm so sorry.”

He shook his head. “None of you have anything to apologise for. I didn't tell you what was happening. I didn't exactly give you any reason to stick around.”

“Except years of friendship,” Henry muttered. "What?” He replied to Adam's sharp look.”Yes they didn't know but they were still your friends. You still deserved better.” 

“Man, I'm sorry.” Noah wiped a hand through his hair. “It was just Ronan was so bad and I… Shit… It was easier to believe you were the villain.”

“I almost flunked out of college.” 

A horrified silence fell on room, his words echoing around the oversized space, like that confession was enough to solidify the seriousness of the situation. 

“Fuck,” Blue muttered. 

Gansey was rubbing his thumb over his lip almost aggressively. “Why did you wait so long to tell us? I understand not telling us straight away. I understand keeping it from me when you were sorting out your head. But why wait until now? It's almost two years later.” He was trying to keep calm, but Adam could hear the hurt beneath his tone, the unasked question written on all their faces, _why didn't you trust us?_

“At first I didn't tell anyone, and then I almost flunked out and got put on academic probation. After that I started counselling and-” he shrugged. “I wanted to get my head back on straight, and by the time I did, I wanted to tell Ronan first. I mean I had to tell Henry for the restraining order but he doesn't count.” 

“Pfft, thanks man.”

Adam gave him a small smile, picking up the bottle and tearing at the label again. “Ronan was never around. He didn't want to see me and I was wasn't going to force him. The one time I tried to call…” he trailed off. “Anyway, I told him today, and he doesn't want me back, so none of it matters anyway.”

Noah let out a wet breath. “Do you want him back?”

“That's all I've ever wanted.”

Noah nodded and stood up. “I've got to go. Ronan will be beating himself up over this. Someone needs to be with him.”

Henry took a step forward. “Will I come with?” 

“No.” Noah's face was hard with tension. He didn't look at Henry when he said, “I know why you kept his secret, but right now, I'm pissed at you.” Noah left quickly, phone already out as he called an Uber. 

Guilt stabbed at Adam. “Shit, Henry. I'm sorry.” 

“Don't even, Adam. He's just having a tantrum because he feels like shit. He'll be fine later.” Henry squeezed his shoulder. “You okay?”

“I need some sleep. I'm wrecked.”

Gansey nodded. “Take Ronan's bed. We'll be out here if you need anything.”

“Seriously, Adam. If you need anything,” Blue reiterated. 

Hating the knowledge that as soon as he left, they'd all be talking about him, Adam nodded and went to bed. 

*****

“Adam, get up.” The door slammed open and Ronan stood there, shadowed and pissed off. “We've got a fucking naming ceremony to set up. Get the fuck up.”

Adam rolled over and pushed himself up. “Ronan, can we talk?”

“Fuck nooooo.” He was already halfway across the factory floor. “I'll be in the car.”

Groaning, he grabbed the nearest pair of jeans and T-shirt. He was pretty sure they were Ronan's clothes but he didn't care. Not after that charming wake up call. There was no chance he was putting his suit back on. He grabbed a black hoodie and ignored how it smelled like Ronan. Huffing out a laugh, he examined himself in a mirror. He was in all black; ripped jeans, black t-shirt and black hoodie. He was pale with dark circles under his eyes. If he shaved his head, Ronan would have a damn twin. Glad he was the same shoe size as Ronan, he slipped on a pair of his old canvas runners. 

He slipped into the car, nodding a greeting to Noah and Henry, who explained they'd convinced Gansey to take Blue out until three. He didn't know what was going on either. Just that they had a surprise planned. 

Ronan didn't look at him as he pulled out of the car park, tires screeching and EDM screaming. No one bothered trying to talk again. When they pulled up to 300 Fox Way, Ronan tapped the steering wheel and looked at him. 

“Adam, wait a second.”

Noah and Henry said nothing as they got out. Silence fell like a heavy blanket. Adam bit at the string of the jumper and stared at his hands in his lap. The only noise for a few minutes was Ronan tapping his fingers on the steering wheel. 

“I'm sorry. I should have been there.” 

“Rona…”

He put up his hand. “Let me finish. Please.” He took a shuddering breath. “I knew something was wrong and I didn't push it. If I'd just tried harder to talk to you, get you to open up, maybe… Look, I'm just really fucking sorry.” He wiped his eyes with the back of his hands. It seemed an oddly innocent gesture making him look younger. “I know everything is all fucked up now, but maybe, we could try to be friends?”

“Yeah, yes.” The words fell from his mouth. “It wasn't your fault, Ronan. None of it was. It was no one's fault but Robert's. We were kids and he fucked everything up.” Adam's heart was pounding so fast he couldn't breath, but the truth was already formed, and he'd promised himself he'd try. “What I said yesterday about us being together again. I understand if you don't feel the same way, or if you don't want me like that anymore, but if you do, if you wanted to, I still love you, Ronan. I think I'll always love you and I know we're different people now, and we need to get to know each other again, but if you wanted to, I'm all in. I always have been.” 

There was no sound for a few moments except the tap of Ronan's finger on the steering wheel. Eventually, when Adam felt he might suffocate from the silence, Ronan said, “Let's just try be friends first.” The words tumbled over each other, crashing and jumping from his mouth like unruly children. “Just for today. Tomorrow is tomorrow.” He bit at the leather bracelets and sighed. “We better get inside before Noah decides to turn this into one of his art decals.”

Adam laughed but it sounded forced even to his ears. “I'll follow you in. I just need a second.”

Neither had looked at the other during the conversation but at this Ronan turned his head to examine Adam. He looked back, resting against the headrest. Slowly, as if afraid it was the wrong thing, Ronan raised his hand and cupped Adam's cheek, running his thumb along his upper lip. It was an intimate gesture and Adam had to push back the shiver running up his spine and over his skin. 

“Just so you know,” Ronan whispered. “I fucking missed you too.” With one last swipe of his finger, he was pulling back, folding back into himself, disappearing behind walls and barbed wire. He tossed the keys at Adam. “Bring the decorations in when you're coming in and don't forget to lock the fuck up. I'm going to go see my goddaughter.”

Adam nodded and watched him walk to the house. His lip was burning with the touch and his heart was fluttering in his chest. He didn't think Ronan had rejected him outright. It felt more like he'd asked for more time, more space, but not enough that he wanted Adam to leave altogether. He bit his lip and allowed just a tiny bit of hope to come back alive. Maybe, maybe, maybe. 

He closed his eyes and let his head lean against the dashboard. He was exhausted, had barely managed a few hours sleep. The emotional whiplash wasn't helping either. He'd thought he'd lost Ronan completely last night and now they were at least friends. 

“Friends,” he whispered with a small smile. 

Something dark unknotted in his chest. Some painful hurt he'd been carrying since he'd ended it. Ronan had been his best friend long before they were together and losing that had been a double blow. Even the chance at friendship was a gift Adam could scarcely believe he'd been offered. He shrugged his shoulders, lighter after a day of confessions. Everyone knew. He was free of his dad. Finally free. 

And maybe with patience he could get Ronan back too. 

Adam Parrish was good at patience.


	13. new chances fresh beginnings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you can't tell by the title of this chapter, we are getting to the happy time fluff soon. 
> 
> Just in case it's not obvious, this chapter starts after Noah says he's going to find Ronan in the last chapter. Also I'm pretty sure Ronan is older than Blue but I really wanted to put the joke in there. 
> 
> Thank you for all the feedback on the last chapter. I freaking love you guys <3

Noah found him on the roof of the barn. Ronan watched as a taxi dropped him off, headlights illuminating the dark house and sweeping across the yard like sunlight. He didn't even go into the house, came straight to the barn and climbed up. Ronan wasn't sure when he had become so _known_ but he didn't hate the feeling. He stared out at the dark night as he listened to Noah crawl up onto the barrels leaning against the wall and then pull himself up with a grunt. There were no clouds. Thousands of stars lit the night. Fireflies buzzed around his heads. The air tasted of winter, cold and biting.

He didn't even try to hide the fact he was crying. “Did you know?”

Noah settled down beside him, stretching his long legs out and shook his head. “He just told us there.” He sighed. “Henry knew. He helped him get the restraining order.”

Ronan tapped a finger on the corrugated metal. The movement reminded him of the supermarket, of Adam gripping his wrist, being so brave and stoic in front of the wrath of Robert Parrish. He hadn't even flinched. Something like pride warmed his gut. “Fucking good. At least someone had his back.” The tears were still falling. He felt like they might never stop. He'd promised Adam a long time ago he'd be there for him, and when it mattered, he'd failed. “Fucking fuck,” he muttered. “What do I do now, Noah? I can't be mad at him. It wasn't his fucking fault. But…”

His voice was quiet when he said, “He still hurt you?”

Ronan nodded, biting his lip as he did. “I dunno how to let him back in. Not after everything.”

“Do you still love him?”

He nodded again. 

“Well, look, man,” Noah sighed. “At the end of it all, it's fucking Adam. You know him better than any of us. You've loved him more than anyone. What is it you want?”

“Him," he whispered. "I've only ever wanted him.”

Noah shrugged. “Then it's as simple and as difficult as that.” 

Ronan wasn't sure how to reply. There were too many thoughts pounding against his skull. The hurt was pumping with each heartbeat but there was also hope. It was a giddy laugh beneath his skin; Adam wanted to try again. Adam wanted to try again. 

_Adam wanted to try again._

The tapping echoed off into the silent night. Ronan _ached_ for Adam. This last week had ripped open all of the old wounds. Poison seeped from them and laced his blood. Every beat of his heart reminded him what he'd lost. He'd spent so long not knowing why they'd ended. He'd really thought once he had the answer some semblance of peace would come with it. There was none. Just a throbbing regret. Just a budding hope. Just _wanting wanting wanting_. 

All he wanted, all he ever wanted, was Adam. 

He wiped the tears dry and ran a trembling hand down his face. He forced out a thick breath. “What do I do now?”

“Henry is all about fear and happiness." Noah was staring ahead, giving Ronan the chance to grieve without examining eyes. "Gets all philosophical about it." The words were drenched in love and exasperation. "But do you know why we work?” 

Ronan shook his head. 

“Because we never push the other further than they're comfortable with. Henry can't do major commitment. I can't deal with all that routine.” Noah shuddered. “I'm an artist, man. Fuck that noise.” 

Ronan grunted out a sound that was almost a laugh. “What has this to do with me and Adam?”

“He loves you. Adam, I mean.” He wrapped his fingers around Ronan's as the tapping increased. The sudden silence echoed around the yard. “He _still_ loves you. And it's not like me and Henry with its rules and complications, it's just love. As simple and as difficult as that.” He gripped tighter. “My point is fuck it. Fuck all of it.” He stood and grabbed Ronan up with him. “FUCK IT,” he screamed. “Your turn.”

Ronan swallowed, staring out at the fields of green stretching around him and the sky reaching out endlessly. “FUCK IT.” Sobs tore up his throat and he swallowed them away. “FUCK IT.” He fell back down and cried great, gulping tears. “Fucking fuck it.”

“That's my boy,” Noah agreed, wrapping his arm around Ronan's shoulder and letting him lean into the heat. “Maybe try be his friend first? See if that works. Just for today. Tomorrow is tomorrow.”

He nodded and rested his head on Noah's shoulder. “I fucking hate this, man.”

“I know, dude. I know.”

It was a long time before either of them went to bed. 

*****

Ronan was practically vibrating when he got out of the car. He'd meant to talk to Adam in Monmouth but seeing him in his bed had short-circuited his brain. When Adam had asked to talk, topless and sleep riddled, he had run as fast as he could out of the Monmouth. No way he could be friends with a topless Adam. No way could he listen to him with his sleep-rough voice. His willpower would give out after the first minute and he'd just join him in bed. They had to have a conversation but dressed. Except Adam had climbed into the BMW wearing Ronan's clothes and he'd nearly choked. Easier to drown out all that _want_ with EDM. 

The conversation was not easy but it was necessary. Friends. Ronan could just about manage friends. 

A tiny voice in his head mumbled something about _lies_. It sounded suspiciously like Declan. 

“Bring the decorations in when you're coming in and don't forget to lock the fuck up. I'm going to go see my goddaughter,” he managed, his fumbling fingers just stopping the door from slamming. He strolled across the front yard, knees almost locking as he stalked up the stairs. Sweat dripped down his back and dampened his hands. There was a pounding in his head. The front door was open, so he stalked down the corridor, and into the kitchen, where he stole Sarah from her high chair. He hugged her, kissing her face over and over again until she was giggling in his arms, and the knot of tension had eased in his chest. 

Henry and Noah were standing in silence on opposite sides of the room. 

Henry glanced between them and muttered, “I'll just go help Adam with the decorations.”

Ronan shrugged and lifted Sarah high above his head. She cooed down at him. 

“How'd it go?” Noah asked, crossing his arms and leaning against the counter. 

“Friends,” he replied, shrugging again. “You still mad at Henry?”

“How'd you know?”

“I have eyes." He rolled them at Sarah as if to emphasis the point. "Let it go man. You knew about Blue and didn't tell us. Sometimes people just need privacy and space, okay?”

“Fine, whatever.” He shoulders dropped and he rubbed his eyes. “I just wish we'd known sooner.”

Ronan shrugged. “Yeah, well wishing isn't gonna get those wasted years back. Let's just be fucking glad Robert is gone and Adam is back.”

“You seem lighter today?”

“Get some real good advice last night.” He grinned at Noah, the thanks written across his face. “Where's the psychics?” 

Noah smiled, relief written across the sudden looseness of his shoulders. “Muara and Dean are upstairs, Calla is doing aerial yoga and the rest are-” he waved his hands at the house, gesturing loosely. “What do you need us to do?” 

“You and Henry set up the lights. Just straight lines. Do not pull that art exhibition bullshit on me, got it?” He held Sarah on his hip as he talked. “Me and Adam will do decorations and seating and shit. I'll get the fire going as well.”

Adam and Henry walked in, weighed down with boxes of lights and decorations. Henry grinned around the kiss Noah dropped on him. 

“C'mon, loser. We're on lights.”

Henry followed him out the backdoor, a relieved smile gracing is lips.

Adam leaned against the counter and examined Ronan as he played with Sarah. He coughed, a red blush painting his cheeks. “Where do you want me?”

Ronan smirked. “What a question.” 

Adam barked out a laugh. “Fuck off, Lynch.”

“Well, Sarah? Where do we want him?” He kissed her cheek again. “C'mon now baby, it's your big day.” He twirled her around in the air and hugged her. “Let's boss around your godfather.”

Adam swallowed audibly, eyes glued on the two of them. “Sure. Sure. Boss away.” His eyes tracked down Ronan's arms and flew back up. “Anything you need.” 

They stared at each other across the green tinted sunlight, _want_ drowning them both. Adam licked his lips and Ronan smirk grew. The only noise for a few moments was the rustle of leaves through the open window and Sarah blowing bubbles in his arms. The air was heavy around them. He was about to crack, close the distance and catch Adam's lips with his own, when Sarah smacked his face, breaking the tension. Adam laughed and Ronan couldn't help but noticed how breathless he sounded. 

He glanced out the window. Noah's arms were flailing about in some madly descriptive way. Huffing, he pulled door open. “Normally, Noah,” he shouted. “Just fucking hang them normally.”

Henry laughed. “Can do, boss.” 

He stepped back in, jiggling Sarah when she started whimpering. “I know, baby. All these people shouting. What are they doing?” He picked her up and blew raspberries on her stomach until she was smiling again. “Adam, will you tie the big bows on the stairs? And I got these candles in jars to line the walls as well. The website I looked up said it was like an aesthetic or some shit.”

“You're really good with her.” Adam sounded hoarse.

Ronan thought back to the church yard, to seeing Adam with Sarah. He grinned and kissed Sarah's head. 

Adam cleared his throat again. “Yeah, I'll do the hallway.” 

“Ronan, we'll be picking up the food at two.” Maura shouted down the stairs, interrupting them. “Blue just called to say they'd be home about three.” 

“Thanks, Maura,” he called up. “We'll mind Sarah when you go out.” 

Adam picked up the boxes of decorations. “I'll do this then.”

Ronan nodded and picked up Sarah's coat, shuffling her into it, while keeping her on his hip. “I better go supervise those assholes.”

Adam nodded, casting one more glance at the Ronan and the baby in his arms. 

******

The garden chattered with life. Fairy lights swung back and forth in a gentle wind. Fires in metal stands littered the space, keeping the cold at bay. Ronan was leaning against the tree, a thick blanket beneath him, and Blue's heat warming his side. Gansey was chatting to Adam and Calla by the back door. Henry and Noah were entertaining Gansey's family by one of the fires. Maura and Dean could just be seen through the glass, cleaning the kitchen. There was a warm buzz that had been missing from the day before. No one was in suits and there was no forced pictures. As far as Ronan knew, most people had left their phones inside. Soft music played from speakers resting on the kitchen window sill. 

Blue rested her head on his shoulder. “I can't believe you did this.”

“What did you expect me to do? Can't have Sarah think republicans are actual human beings.” Ronan wrapped his fingers around her hand. He took a breath and said the line he'd been practicing all day. “Here's the thing, maggot. You're gonna have to do all the shitty Gansey family stuff. That comes with the territory. But it doesn't mean you don't get to do what you want as well.”

Blue snorted. “This was never how I imagined my life.” 

Sarah whimpered on the baby monitor and they both froze. After a few seconds of huffing, she settled again. 

“I didn't think I'd have a kid already. I love her don't get me wrong, but like, I thought in ten years.” She gripped his hand tighter. “I'm so awful for saying that.”

“Fuck that. You're not awful. You're a fucking person. Just because you have a kid doesn't mean you can't ever have a fucking negative thought about being a mom. As far as I can see it's fucking hard as shit.” He knocked his head off the bark. It dug into his skin. “You're doing okay, right?”

She bit her lip. “I'm getting there. I've been on antidepressants for six months and been in therapy for four." She laughed suddenly. "Like, I gotta tell you, this having money thing makes mental illness a walk in the park.” 

Ronan breathed out a quiet laugh. “You can talk to me, you know? If you need to. You're basically my little sister.”

“I'm older than you, asshole.” 

“Ah maggot, I meant _little_.”

She pushed him, and he let himself fall easily, laughing all the way. “Asshole,” she repeated.

He lay there for a few moments, soaking in Adam as he laughed at something Gansey said. He didn't need to look at Blue to hear the smirk in her voice when she said, “What's going on with you and Adam?” 

He didn't mean to stare but he couldn't help it. Adam looked ethereal is the flickering flames and twinkling lights. “I dunno where we go from here. It all got so fucked up.”

“Have you talked to him about it?” She pulled him back up. “God, you're heavy.”

“Fuck you,” he replied, dragging his eyes away from Adam's smile. “We decided to try friendship.”

“Boring. God, that's boring." She took his hand again. "Do you even want to be his friend?” 

He shrugged. “I don't know what I want.”

Blue burst out laughter. “Oh my god, you fucking loser.” She pushed him again but stopped him from falling over with her other hand. 

“What?” He leaned into her and lowered his voice, afraid the conversation would carry. "Fucking what?"

“Dude, you love him so bad. You've loved him since before I even knew you." She laughed again. "Seriously, look at you."

“What?” He asked, distracted by Adam taking a long drink from a bottle of beer; his shoulders stretched out under Ronan's jumper, proving yet again how much wider he was. He forced himself to gulp in some air. His throat felt tight. 

“You're fucking staring again.” Blue laughed harder, barely managing to get the words out. 

He _was_ staring and suddenly Adam was staring right back. Their eyes caught over the firelight and held. Hoping Adam couldn't read his lips, Ronan said, “I can't fucking help it.”

“Ask him on a date.” 

He turned to her, dragging himself away from the gaze, laugh already half-formed in his throat.

“No, shut up. Hear me out.” She gripped his chin and forced him to look at her. “Think about it. There's so much shit between you and you don't even really know each other anymore, right?”

The words stung but he nodded. 

“So ask him on a fucking date. Decide to learn each other again. Maybe you don't even match anymore.”

“Fuck you.”

She laughed, and then, her face grew serious. “Ronan, thanks. For all of this and all of everything. Fuck. I'm so glad you're my family.”

He wrapped his arm around her shoulder, and pulling her close, he kissed the top of her head. “I fucking love you too, maggot.”

******

It took awhile for him to move through the party so he could sit beside Adam on the porch and pretend it was casual. The minute Blue had mentioned the date, he was onboard. Any excuse to spend time alone with Adam. Especially if there was a possibility of kissing him at the end of it. The hurt was still there, it still pulsed beneath his skin, but it didn't feel as suffocating now. It was starting to feel distant, like the memory of pain instead of pain itself. Having the answer, talking it through with Adam, knowing it wasn't his fault, or Adam's fault, was starting to settle in his bones. It felt something like healing. He was still terrified of getting hurt again. Terrified of letting Adam in and breaking again. 

But Ronan Lynch had never let fear stop him from doing something he wanted to do.

They sat beside each other, barely an inch between them and stared out at a starless night. The garden was now a murmur of quiet conversations. The fires had burned low and the cold was starting to seep in. Using it as an excuse, he closed the space and let Adam's heat warm him.

"Cold," he said, when Adam glanced over at him, a question in his raised eyebrows. Ronan's fingers tapped the glass of his bottle. They were pressed knee to shoulder, and his heart was beating so fast in his chest, it was making him breathless. “Thanks for helping me do this.”

“We're the godparents.” Adam shrugged, dragging Ronan's shoulders up with him. “We're stuck together now helping them out however they need it.”

Ronan nodded, dragging a long gulp of beer. He was so nervous his mouth kept drying up. “Hey, so, I was thinking about tomorrow.”

“Yeah?” Adam wasn't looking at him. He was staring at the smoldering remains of a fire. Ronan could see the nerves written across his tight shoulders. 

It made it easier for Ronan to talk if Adam was nervous too. “If you're not busy, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go on a date with me? Like a first date. Like a start again date.” He bit the leather bracelets around his wrist to stop himself talking. 

Adam turned to look at him very slowly. “What happened to being friends?” He formed each word carefully like he was afraid to break them.

“Tomorrow is tomorrow." Nerves made his skin tight and his tongue heavy. "I still want to be friends. I just would also like to take you on a date.” He took another sip to wet his mouth. “It's okay if you don't want to, or if you think if too soon, or like a stupid fucking idea or whatever. I just thought…”

Adam was watching him, one eyebrow raised and a smirk written across his lips. “You're cute when your nervous, you know that Lynch?”

“Fuck off, Parrish.” And just like that Adam had put them back on solid ground. Ronan nearly drowned in appreciation. “So do you want to go on a fucking date with me?”

“I honestly couldn't think of anything I'd like to do more,” he replied with a small smile. 

Ronan had to duck his head to hide the delighted grin spreading across his face.


	14. you and me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is late, my brain is done this week and it wouldn't come out. On that note, the last chapter will be a few days late because my brain is being stupid. Quite literally.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy the fluff.
> 
> As always, thank you for all the support!

Adam stared at his reflection and huffed. He had no idea where Ronan was taking him and so he had no idea what to wear. Excitement sat in his chest like a laugh he had yet to release. The edge of his lips kept pulling up into a grin. A date with Ronan was more than anything he'd let himself imagine. 

A quiet knock sounded at the door. He was in Ronan's room in Monmouth, having slept there again after the party. 

“Come on in,” he called, rubbing the back of his head.

Gansey smiled as he entered and threw himself onto the bed in a particularly un-gansey-like way. “I'm so tired. Sarah slept for like an hour last night and it was my turn to get up to her.” He took his wireframes off and lay across the bed, head hanging over the edge. “Were you okay here alone?”

Adam nodded. “Thanks for letting me crash again. The motel was starting to drive me crazy. The people next door kept having sex at three am. Every night. Like they set their alarm to it.” 

"You should have just stayed here all week."

Adam shrugged and changed the subject. “It was weird sleeping here without you and Ronan.”

“Better than Blue's house. So many women. So many.” He groaned. “I am completely outnumbered. If not for Dean, I'd be done for.”

Adam grinned. “Maybe Sarah will be on your side.”

“I don't think they'll allow it.”

Adam laughed this time. “It's a hard life you're living, man.”

“I know, I know. I'm being ridiculous.” He smiled and examined Adam, head still hanging off the bed. “You look good. Just wear a black t-shirt and jeans though. Lose the shirt.”

Shrugging it off, he threw it back in his suitcase. He leaned into the cold mirror and watched his breath fog up. “I'm nervous,” he admitted in a small voice. “Really fucking nervous.”

“Do you think…” Gansey paused and shifted on the bed until he was sitting upright. He gestured for Adam to sit down. “Don't get mad at me for asking but are you sure this is the right thing for you?”

Adam fell down on the mattress and stared at the ceiling. “Did you ask Ronan this?” He saw Gansey nod in his peripheral. “Explain it to me like you explained it to him. Especially when he told you to _fuck off, Dick_.” He wasn't mad. Just tired. Just sad.

“I told him,” Gansey continued, voice controlled. “That you were both so _hurt_ after the break up and you’ve both finally seem to have rallied. I don't want-” he paused and swallowed. “I don't want either of you getting hurt again. It was hard to watch, Adam. Difficult to watch my two closest friends in so much pain and having no way to help them.” 

“It's not your job to help us.” The words came out harsher than he meant them to. 

“I know. God, I know.” He rubbed a hand down his face. “I don't want to fight and I'll respect what you say. I just… Adam, I don't want you to get hurt again.”

Adam sat up and examined Gansey. Guilt twisted his gut when he saw the tired frown pulling down his face. “Did Ronan think I was going to hurt him again?”

“You know I won't talk about what he said.”

He bit his lip in frustration but nodded. Taking a calming breath, he said, “He’s worth getting hurt over. He's worth the risk.” Adam stared down at his hands and played with his nails, hating feeling so exposed. “If it doesn't work, it won't be because I don't want it to. I can only be sure of myself. This is what I want.” He glanced up with a half-shrug. “I love him, man. I've always loved him.”

Gansey's face softened into a smile. “I really hope it all works out for both of you. Honestly.” 

Adam nodded and looked down at himself. “Are you sure I look okay?” 

“You look good. Although I think Ronan would love you in a black bag.” 

Adam flushed. “Thanks, man.”

**********

Ronan stood by the BMW, arms crossed and staring at the night sky when Adam stepped from Monmouth. He walked over and leaned beside him. They were so close, he could have kissed him and barely had to move. 

He pushed the thought away, following Ronan's eyes and said, “Nice night?”

He glanced at him, face a mess of emotions, and looked back to the sky. “I thought we could go for a drive.” He coughed, voice rough with nerves. “Maybe find somewhere to stargaze.”

Flashes of drives and laughter and music flooded Adam's brain. “I'd like that.” 

“Have you eaten?”

Adam shook his head. “I was too nervous. I mean-” He scratched the back of his head, suddenly embarrassed. “I was busy…” 

Ronan laughed. “I was fucking nervous as well.” He nudged Adam with his shoulder. “You look good, man.”

Warm pleasure shot through him. “You don't look so bad yourself.” Feeling brave, he ran a hand over Ronan's head. “Freshly shaved?”

“I had a boyfriend who always liked it better that way.” He smirked. “Let's go get food.”

He blushed and nodded. “Okay.”

Ronan laughed and pushed him off the car. “Go on then before I fucking die of starvation.”

*******

They got drive-thru and ate it in the carpark of a brightly lit McDonalds. Cars glinted orange in the streetlights and the glow of the restaurant. Shadows moved back and forth, like time on a sundial, as cars came and went. They listened to soft Irish music and ate in silence. 

“So,” Ronan said when he'd finished the last of the fries. “Tell me about yourself.”

Adam glanced over, one eyebrow raised. 

“Fuck off, Parrish. It's a first date. I'm doing first date questions.” 

“What do you even know about first date questions?”

“I have the internet. It tells me things.” A crimson blush flooded Ronan's sharp cheekbones. “And anyway, fuck off and play along like a decent fucking human being.” He puffed out a breath. “Otherwise you mightn't get a second date.”

Adam laughed and said, “Alright, what to you want to know?”

“I dunno, interesting things.” He took a long drink of his milkshake. “Things you told others on dates.”

“Never been on any other dates.” Adam shrugged, impressed with how smoothly Ronan had gotten that information from him. “I was always too busy with school and therapy. I was never much interested in anyone after my first boyfriend." He ignored the flush heating his face. "The only dates I've ever been on were with him. We used to drive around. Listen to music. Sometimes we burned shit or pulled each other around on dolly's.”

“He sounds like a catch.” There was a hum of hurt beneath the words. "You shoulda kept him."

Adam nodded. “Yeah, I should've. My head got all fucked up. Family stuff.” He shrugged. “So I fucked it up. He was great though, real handsome. I mean you're alright too, I guess.”

Ronan laughed and the tension in the car broke. “Do you miss him at all?”

“Every day.” He took a sip of his drink. “He had this presence. I always felt safe around him. Sounds stupid, I know. But my home life was unstable, and he was fucking unstable for awhile, but in the end he was the steady ground I'd been looking for all my life.”

Ronan examined him for a quiet moment and then snorted. “I don't think you're meant to talk about you ex on a first date.”

“Yeah, that another rule?” He asked with a grin.

“Oh fuck yeah, that's like rule number one. Seriously Parrish, not to be a fucking jerk, but you're ruining this romantic evening I have planned.”

“Romantic evening of fast food and driving?”

“Fuck yeah. I am a fucking dream date.”

Adam reached a hand over and wiped a drop of milkshake from Ronan's lip. “Yeah ya are, Lynch.” He watched as Ronan swallowed thickly and licked his bottom lip. Adam's finger burned from the contact. “So, are you going to drive me somewhere to watch these stars?”

Ronan nodded, and then nodded again. “Yeah. Fuck. Why not, right?” The white of his teeth bit his top lip. He scrunched up the food wrappers and threw them in the back seat. “Let’s continue my very excellent first date schedule.”

Adam laughed and gestured with his hand. “Lead the way, Lynch. Lead the way.”

*********

The blanket was warm beneath him. Even if the ground was hard. He leaned against the grill of the BMW, listening to the soft music seeping from the open door. They were parked on the edge of a cliff. Henrietta sat below them like fallen stars. The night sky stretched endlessly above them, a dark ocean of iridescent fish. 

Ronan was warm, pressed against him shoulder to hip. He wasn't talking. He was staring out, biting his bracelets and thinking hard. Adam could see the thoughts as they fluttered across his face, dragging his eyebrows together and creating shapes along his lips. The moon was behind them, casting Ronan in shadow. He was all sharp edges and worn angles. The dark clothes he wore melted him into the darkness until he was as unreachable as he'd been when he'd been miles away from Adam. 

Adam was wrapped in Ronan's hoodie because Gansey had told him not to bother with a jacket. Adam didn't think Gansey was so smooth as to have done that on purpose, but if Ronan was googling first dates, there was no way Gansey hadn't. 

Swallowing on a dry throat, he forced himself to break the silence. “You okay?”

Ronan glanced over at him. “I can't really believe this is happening. Would hate to wake up tomorrow and realise it's just a dream.”

“Dream about me often, Lynch?”

“Pretty sure I dreamed you into existence, Parrish."

The heat rising to his face caught his reply between his teeth. He glanced down at his hands. “You can ask me anything, Ronan," he finally said. "I'll tell you the truth.” Ronan's warmth shifted away and he mourned it's loss. He dragged the cuffs over his hands and wrapped his arms around himself. 

“Like what?” 

Adam shrugged. “Anything.”

The night was alive around them while he waited for Ronan to reply. There was a chill breeze kissing the back of his neck and rustling through the long grass. Cicadas called to each other on the cold air. Bats flew overhead in dizzying summersaults. Adam could feel the night buzzing around him, could feel every movement Ronan made.

Ronan took a rough breath and said, “When are you leaving?” 

The words carried over the silence and straight into Adam's gut. He swallowed. “Technically in two days," he replied and hated how all the breath left Ronan in a rush. "But I'm only going to be gone however long it takes me to clear out my dorm," he quickly said to ease the tension building between them. "College let me stay on an extra few months because I was TA, but now I have my new job, I'm out on my ass.” He blinked and stared at the stars. “Gansey said I could move into Monmouth for a few months. Save some money in rent.” He shrugged. “I hate to do it but my therapist says sometimes growing up means accepting help. So, I'll be around for a while. Job is an hour outside of Henrietta so…” He shrugged again, too scared to look at Ronan. “I'll be around.”

“You'll be around,” Ronan repeated, something like awed disbelief in his voice. 

“For as long as you'll have me, Lynch. The minute you want me gone…” He let the sentence trail off. “There's no rush is what I'm trying to say. For us, like. There's no rush anymore. Take all the time you need.”

“What if it takes me months?”

Swallowing, Adam reached out and linked their hands together. “I'll wait years. I'll wait forever.”

Ronan's replying laugh was the sweetest thing Adam had ever heard. 

*****

The car ride home was quiet. Ronan tapped his fingers on the steering wheel and hummed along to the music. Adam closed his eyes and listened to the familiar sounds, pretending nothing had gone wrong and they were heading home to The Barns after a date. Pretending The Barns was his home too. Pretending they lived together and this was his life. Pretending the night would never end.

They pulled up to Monmouth too soon. 

Silence fell when Ronan turned off the car. The only noise was soft tapping on the leather. “Are you okay in there alone?”

Keeping his eyes closed, refusing to let the magic end, Adam nodded. “It's not too bad. Bit echoey, bit creepy, but I'm in your room, and it's the best insulated of all of them.”

The only reply was a quiet breath. He felt the warmth of the hand before a finger very gently traced his cheekbone. His heartbeat stuttered. Ronan's hand, calloused and warm, cupped his cheek. Adam's breath caught in his chest. 

“I wanna trust you again. I promise I do." Ronan's voice sounded small and young. “It's just hard. I just need us to take it slow, okay?”

Adam nodded, and turned, kissing the palm of his hand. He heard Ronan take a stuttering breath. “Like I said, Lynch, I'll wait forever. I knew when I was eighteen, and I know now, you're it for me.” 

He still had his eyes closed, but he felt Ronan move closer, heard the rustle of clothes, and felt his breath on his lips, before he pulled back without touching. “I'll see you tomorrow?” He asked instead, sounding as disappointed as Adam felt. 

He nodded, and opened his eyes, breaking the magic he so desperately wanted to cling to. “Yeah, Lynch. I'll see you tomorrow.”


	15. safe as life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I'm so sorry this took so long! Blame my brain. I've been working on this for like six hours and I can't look at it anymore so if there are mistakes, please let me know! Also enjoy the fluff and angst and then more fluff. 
> 
> Thank you to every single person who read and commented and left kudoes and bookmarked and subscribed and were generally awesome! I so appreciate the support. 
> 
> I've already started plotting my next fic, because who needs a life, so maybe subscribe to me if you're interested in reading more of my writing. This one is set in an AU with magic and the Lynch Mafia and Greenmantle and Adam working for him and it's all very good. But it's in my head so obviously it's amazing there. 
> 
> I HOPE YOU LIKE THE LAST CHAPTER!

Ronan pressed the call button and lifted the phone to his ear. He paced across the floor of the barn, surrounded by the thick body heat of cows and the fresh smell of hay. It was mid-morning and he had a hectic day ahead of him. He was stealing the few minutes just so he could hear Adam's voice. It made him feel vulnerable and exposed, but at the same time, giddy excitement was making his heart pulse a quick rhythm against his chest. The phone rang three times but when the dial tone stopped, he was so shocked he forgot to say anything. 

Adam took a few breaths before saying, “Ronan?” 

He paused, overwhelmed he could just _ring_ Adam and he would pick up. Shaking his head at his own stupidity, he started pacing again. 

“Ronan?" Adam asked again. "You there?”

“Yeah. Shit. Sorry. Hey.” He turned, stepping forward again and stumbled over a loose plank of wood on the floor. “Shit. Ow.” It didn't hurt but the burn of embarrassment needed an outlet. "I fell.”

“Are you okay?”

“I tripped up.” Ronan laughed and was distinctly glad Adam couldn't see the red burning across his cheeks. “I'm fine. Should probably fix the loose fucking plank though.” He scruffed his foot along the floor, kicking up sawdust as he did. “I was just ringing to say hi. After last night. I just… I wanted to say hi.” He rolled his eyes at his own word vomit and scratched his nails across his head. 

Adam laughed lightly. “Hey.”

A stupid smile spread across Ronan's lips. “Hey.” Neither spoke for a moment. “What are you up to?”

“Packing. I've to leave first thing but I'll be back in a few days,” he finished quickly, as if wanting to stop any fears Ronan might have.

The itch beneath Ronan's skin calmed at the words. “What time are you leaving?” He asked as cheerily as possible so Adam wouldn't worry. “Do you have road snacks?”

“Road snacks?” A zip was pulled and Adam huffed out a breath. There was the smack of a bag landing on the floor and then the shuffle of material as he lay down. His voice grew deeper, buried in blankets. “I won't have time to buy any. I've to see Gansey and Blue soon. I think Noah and Henry will are gonna pop in too. Will you be about?”

“Shit, man. I've a bunch of stuff to catch up on today. Orders from shops and I've to roster people for a few different shifts. It's a whole load of paperwork shite.” Ronan sighed, and then smiled, a sudden idea hitting him. “But you'll be back soon, right?”

“Yeah, we can do something when I get back.”

“Fucking good.” He sighed, excitement pumping beneath his skin. “I've gotta go, man, but I'll see you next week?”

“I'll call you tomorrow?”

“You fucking better, man.”

Adam laughed. “Bye, Ronan.”

“See ya, Adam.”

The minute the call ended, Ronan dialled Gansey's number. “Dick, I have the best fucking idea.”

*****

Ronan had just leant against the BMW when Adam stepped out of Monmouth the next morning. He was wearing Ronan's hoodie again. Ronan's stomach clenched pleasantly at the sight. It was still early; mist clung to the ground, tendrils grasping at stone and grass. The sun leeched the dark from the sky and a warm pink glow lit the day like a camera filter. Adam glanced up and stopped walking, confusion drawing his mouth open in surprise. A heavy duffle bag hung off his shoulder, and his left hand gripped it so tightly, his knuckles were turning white. 

“Morning, Parrish,” Ronan said before letting out a bark of laughter at the slack look on his face. “You hardly thought we were going to let you move home alone? It's a three day trip.”

Adam face fell and he shuffled in place, eyes drawn down at his feet. “I don't understand.” He sounded so small that Ronan instinctively took a protective step forward. Adam wrapped his arms around himself and looked up. “We?”

Ronan bit his lip and forced himself to stay where he was. He wasn't sure if Adam would appreciate being touched right now. “Gansey and them are already on the road. They had to leave earlier to keep Sarah on her schedule but we have a whole load of road trip stops to meet them at.” He grinned and was relieved when Adam gave him a small smile back. “It's gonna be fun, Parrish." He kept his voice light to try and ease the tension wrapping itself around Adam's body.

“No. Wait. What?” He took a step forward, and then one back, running his free hand along the back of his head. “Who's they?”

Ronan forced out a laugh trying to keep mood light. “Fucking everyone. You think Henry and Noah were gonna miss out on a group holiday? We've never had one.”

“Really? For me?” A flush of red colored his face. He shook his head, still looking confused. “Why is everyone in the other car? Holy shit, is it the pig?”

“Fuck no. Blue won't let Sarah anywhere near that death trap.” He smirked. “They're driving an eight seater.” He laughed again, watching as the noise made Adam's shoulders loosen. “It's hilarious, Adam. You should see them. Like the perfect little family with their two gay uncles.” He wiped his eyes and grinned. “Anyway get a fucking move on. We're way late.” 

Adam watched him as Ronan grabbed the bag from his shoulder and threw it in the back of the BMW. “In that?”

He nodded at Adam's car. “You hardly think we're driving in that shitbox, do ya?”

Adam nodded and then shook his head. “Lynch, to be totally honest, I've no idea what's happening.” 

“I'm kidnapping you, Parrish. We're kidnapping you. Your friends are pulling a fast one and joining you on the next exciting moment; the day Adam leaves college and becomes a real boy.” He watched Adam bite his lip, confusion written in the draw of his eyebrows, and hated how much damage Robert fucking Parrish had done. “Adam, this is a massive moment in your life. You've finished college, you have a new job. This is what you've been working towards for as long as I've known you. We're obviously gonna wanna be apart of it.”

“Obviously,” Adam parroted, eyes gleaming in the morning sun. “You all want to be there.”

“Some of us missed your graduation, man." Regret flared beneath his skin. "We're not fucking missing this. _I'm_ not fucking missing this, okay?”

Adam nodded and wiped his eyes with the heels of his hand. “Okay.”

Ronan felt such a surge of love for him, it warmed his face. “Okay then.” He took Adam by the shoulders, enjoying how his warmth heated his hands. He walked him around the car, opened the door and gently pressed him into the passenger seat. Leaning over, he buckled him in and pressed a kiss to his forehead, feeling daring as his did. He didn't miss how Adam's breath hitched in his throat. Grinning at the noise, he said, “Right, let's go.” 

He shut the door and ran around to his side, suddenly afraid Adam would try to leave. “Okay, since it's your trip technically, you can even choose the music.” He glanced over at Adam, face still tense with uncertainty. “I know, I know it's an overwhelming gift. Take your time.” He spun the steering wheel in his hand and reversed too fast across the parking lot. Spinning the wheel again, he screeched forward. “This is gonna be fun, Parrish. I promise,” he called over the roar of the engine. “Gonna be a fucking ball.”

*******  
He took Adam awhile to warm up to the idea but slowly the smiles came easier and the laughs came quicker. The road reached out in front of them, a welcoming escape to anywhere they wanted. Fields of gold and green lined the tarmac and stretched up to the snow tipped mountains on the horizon. The sky was a cold blue and the sun rested lazily in its depths. Ronan was buzzing; Adam was beside him and the road was in front of him. After years starving, they suddenly had hours of uninterrupted time. 

They'd been driving for a few hours, had met up with the others for a late breakfast and were back on the road again.

Breakfast, in a rundown but homely dinner, had been an excited affair, full of laughter and jokes. Sarah was passed around the table and admired by the waitresses and patrons alike. Gansey charmed and insulted in the same breath. Adam and Ronan caught each others eyes like the way they used to and hid their smirks. They'd talked about Aglionby, about Adam's achievements and how impressive he was. Laughing at his blushing, they'd complimented and congratulated him, even embarrassing him with a cake and candle. By the time they were back in the car, Adam was smiling and blushing in equal measure. 

The driving was a little more boring now; the scenery was getting repetitive and the early start was pulling at Ronan's eyes. He yawned and scratched his jaw. They hadn't spoken for the last thirty minutes but the silence wasn't uncomfortable.

Adam glanced over at him and then switched on the radio, turning on the EDM album in the radio. “Thanks. For all of this." 

“I told you, man." He didn't take his eyes off the road. "This is a big fucking deal. We want to celebrate with you.”

Adam blushed again, reaching over to Ronan's hand on the gear stick. He laced their fingers together, lips drawn tight in an unasked question. When Ronan didn't take his hand away, his shoulders relaxed and he smiled again. “I never thought… All of this… You and me… It's like a dream and I just don't ever wanna wake up.”

“That's alright with me. Let's just not fucking wake up then.”

Adam laughed clear and easy, banging his head against the seat and closing his eyes. “This is the best day I've had in awhile.”

“Well, then, we'll just have to make more good days from now on. Fuck this misery shit, I'm ready to be happy again.”

Adam smiled wider. “That sounds good, Lynch. Really, really good.”

They drove in silence for the next few miles, cutting through a city and back out to the countryside. Ronan mumbled complaints the whole war through the busy urban streets, irritated by the noise and the traffic and crappy driving. The minute they were free of the city, he burned rubber. The landscape changed from green grass and little red barns to fields of corn and rusty old tractors. 

“So when did you plan this?” Adam finally asked, although Ronan had watched him chewing the words for the last few miles. 

Ronan shrugged. “Yesterday. After I called you.”

Adam laughed. “Is this why Noah and Henry kept giggling every time I talked about my trip?”

“Those fucking idiots.” Ronan rolled his eyes but he was smiling. “I assume that was the reason. Who the fuck knows with those two?” He rested his head on his hand and his elbow on the edge of the window. “Look in the back seat there, would ya? Behind my chair.”

Adam gave him a quizzical look but complied, pulling a plastic bag out from under Ronan's seat. “Road snacks?” 

“Road snacks,” he agreed, grinning at the bright smile on Adam's face. “Fucking road snacks.”

*****

The hotel they were staying in was absurdly fancy. Reception was miles of dark mahogany, think carpet and oversized chandeliers. There were dark granite sculptures of animals lining the walls and rich heavy paintings, hanging over fireplaces taller than Ronan. They were the last to arrive and they walked over to the everyone, standing near a small couch. Gansey had already checked them in and paid much to Adam's chagrin. 

Watching him bite his lip uncomfortably, Ronan wrapped his hand gentle around his waist, and leaned in to his ear, saying, “Just for once let him treat us. He's trying so hard to make the trip memorable.” He rested his forehead against the side of Adam's head, enjoying the closeness. Adam leaned his shoulder into Ronan's chest and the movement allowed him to kiss the soft skin of Adam's ear. “Plus we have a room to ourselves to chill out in. We can watch movies and order room service and it's all in Gansey.”

Adam laughed a breathless noise. “Yeah, alright. Just for you.”

Ronan grinned and jumped when Gansey clapped. “Okay, I know it's a group holiday and all, but does anyone mind if we have a night to ourselves? Sarah is cranky. Blue is tired.” He waved at his small family. They were sitting in a burgundy couch. Blue was jiggling Sarah on her knee but her head was back against the wall and her eyes were closed. 

“Sounds good, Ganseyboy. Noah and I want to check out the spa anyway.” Henry gripped Noah's hand and whispered in his ear.

Noah laughed and whispered something back. “Perfect. Great. Bye,” Henry stuttered and they ran off across the lobby, holding hands and giggling.

“Okay then,” Adam said. “We're gonna go watch TV anyway. Thanks for this, Gansey. I really appreciate it.”

A wide smile broke across Gansey's face. “Of course, Adam. It's a moving present. Especially since I missed your graduation.” 

He waved his hand at the statement. “Little babies comes first.”

Gansey laughed and fell beside Blue. "Will we sleep here?"

"Yes please," she mumbled and Gansey laughed.

Ronan pulled Adam away with a sinking feeling in his gut. He waited until he was in the elevator to ask, “Was anyone actually at your graduation?” The words were just loud enough to be heard over the classical music playing in the small space. He watched carefully for Adam's reaction, caught as he swallowed convulsively and rubbed the back of his head. 

“Technically, no. I mean Henry was meant to go but he got caught in an overseas trip, and Blue was having a tough time with Sarah so Gansey had to stick around there, but it was fine, man. No big deal.” He shrugged a very _controlled_ shape. “I was fine. I had papers to grade anyway so I just did that in the evening. It was a bit embarrassing at the pictures, you know queuing alone, when everyone else had family.” His voice shook a little and he coughed. “Anyway, it wasn't important.”

The elevator binged and Adam walked out without looking at him. Ronan thought maybe that was a good thing because so much was crawling beneath his skin, he needed a minute to clear his face of the emotions. They walked to the room in silence, but once they were inside, Ronan turned, crowding Adam and making him lean against the door. He put his hands on either side of his head, resting them on the wood and examined his face. The room was dark around them and he could feel Adam's breath on his lips. 

“I'm only going to say this once, okay? You deserve the fucking best of everything, and I'm so sorry your dad stole so much from you, but we're giving it back this weekend. This is your graduation, and your finals, and your new job, and your moving all in one, and we're gonna get you a graduation photo with all of us in it, and it's gonna be fucking spectacular.” He let out a sigh, desperate to close the space between them, but knowing it was the wrong moment. He refused to kiss Adam when he looked so sad. “So, shower and get into a fancy robe and we'll order a shit ton of food and celebrate.”

Adam let out a shuddering breath and dropped his head onto Ronan's shoulders. He wrapped his arms around his waist, clinging to his t-shirt with tight fists. Ronan wrapped him in his arms and rubbed slow circles in his shaking back. 

“You're all right, man. I got ya.”

It was a while before the tears stopped and Adam was breathing easy again. 

******  


“You haven't kissed me yet.” 

Ronan groaned and blinked awake to find Adam lying on his stomach, chin resting on his hand and examining him with piercing blue eyes. “The fuck, Parrish. What?”

He huffed out a sigh that warmed the bare skin of Ronan's shoulder. “You haven't kissed me and I wanna know why.”

Ronan blinked a few times to let his sleep addled brain catch up. “Well, the whole tearful thing last night didn't seem like the most romantic situation, and the date was only the first date, and I don't put out on a first date.” He hated how his cheeks heated up. “I was just waiting for the right moment or whatever. Fuck off.”

Adam smiled, soft and easy. “You a romantic. I forgot that.” He pressed up on his elbows, and leaning forward, he pushed towards Ronan. Adam's lips were suddenly so close, grazing over his skin but never quite making contact. “I like that you're so sweet, Lynch,” he whispered in Ronan's ear, warm breath tickling. "Just don't wait too long, okay?” 

He nodded, mouth dry. “Fuck, Parrish. No fucking problem.”

“Good.” He kissed his cheek and pulled away. “I'm going for a shower. Gansey already text to say the others are almost ready to go. Plus breakfast is over in half an hour.”

Ronan groaned and rolled onto his stomach, face burning. “Fine. Be quick. I'll go next.”

“Lynch,” he said, leaning against the doorframe and dragging Ronan's attention over to him. “Thanks for last night.” He waved his hand around the room, at the empty dishes and candy wrappers littering the space. “Thanks for all of it.”

“Fuck off, Parrish, and shower.” He smiled though, and worked hard not to drag his eyes over Adam's boxer-clad body. “You don't ever have to thank me, okay?”

Adam nodded. “I want to. I want you to know how happy you're making me.” Blushing, he shut the door and went to shower. 

Ronan groaned into the cushion and thought carefully boring thoughts. 

*******  


Ronan stepped into Adam's dorm and forced all the air from his lungs. The dorm he used to stay in when visiting Adam was twice the size of this and way nicer. This was like a fucking prison cell; it was small with a low roof and a tiny window. The light were strip fluorescents. They buzzed irritatingly. Adam was leaning against the concrete wall, arms wrapped around himself, watching him. 

“It's fucking something, Parrish.” Ronan smirked at him and nudged his shoulder. “Let's get this cleared out.”

Noah jumped into the room and pushed Ronan out of the way. “Alright team, let's get this done.” He danced across the room which was impressive considering the space.

“He has consumed three red bulls.” Henry followed him in, shaking his head. “I formally apologise to you all. I should have kept a closer eye on him.”

Ronan snorted. "Letting the fucing side down, Cheng. You know he's not allowed red bull after the great art incident."

Noah fell onto the bed, staring at roof. His feet were tapping so fast the duvet rustled beneath him. “I love red bull. You have no right to keep it from me." 

"You were awake for three fucking days, man."

"It was my first show, and anyway, I don't care, because I had to get ready for all the moving.” He lifted his head, glanced around the room and then dropped back down again. “Although there's so little stuff in here. Adam, you're meant to collect more stuff as you get older, not less.”

Adam shrugged. “Never really seemed important.” 

“Well, it's useful now,” Henry replied. “Blue and Gansey are feeding Sarah. I mean it doesn't actually need both of them but whatever. Let's get started.”

It only took them two hours to load up the BMW with most of Adam's stuff. The soft stuff, clothes and duvets, pillows and towels, went in the back. Books lined the boot along with shoes and random things he'd picked up over the years. The other's piled into the minivan, waiting as Adam went up with Ronan to have one last check of the room.

“What ya thinking about, man?” Ronan asked, linking their pinky fingers and standing at the now empty room. 

“Usually when you empty out a room, it seems bigger. This just seems…” He waved his arm and sighed. “It wasn't the best. It wasn't like I thought it would be. It was a lot of hard times and late nights. A lot of tears.”

“Over me?” Ronan asked in a singsong voice. 

Adam laughed. “No, Lynch, you loser. Over midterms and essays and my dissertation.” 

“Worth a try.”

Adam laughed again. “Shit, Lynch. You're such a charmer.”

They sat on the bed together, hands still linked. Adam ran his fingers over Ronan's skin. The touch burned. He turned and examined Adam's profile. His head was tilted down, staring at their hands. “Adam.” 

He glanced up and smiled.

Heat rushed across his skin. “Can I kiss you?”

Adam nodded, a faint blush colouring his cheeks. 

Ronan leant forward and captured his lips. Kissing Adam Parrish was like coming home. It was a warm bed on a rainy night, a soft hug in gentle arms. He tilted his head, deepening the kiss. Adam gasped a breathy noise and Ronan _burned_. The kiss was every safe moment he owned. It was a healing balm, soothing the hurt he'd carried for far two long. Adam ran his fingers up Ronan's arms and gripped his shoulders, pulling him closer. Ronan tangled his hands in Adam's hair. The kiss was slowing down now; long, luxurious touches that left them both breathless. 

When they separated, it wasn't very far. Just enough to rest their foreheads against each other. 

"Thank you,"Adam whispered, breath warming Ronan's lips. 

"For what?"

"Giving me a good memory in this room."

******

The town was bustling with college students. Ronan had forgotten how _quaint_ it all was. Shops with pretty white window sills and bunting lined the main street. Flower boxes added more colour against the already brightly painted buildings. Trees lined the cobbled paths, and even with the dull grey clouds overhead, everything was summertime friendly. Ronan hated it. It was the kind of fake warmth he loathed. It forced people to live up to impossible expectations of family and life. The thought of Adam, lost and alone, living here, and struggling here, watching everyone around him play happy families crawled over his skin like angry ants. 

"Forgot how nice this fucking town was," Ronan drawled, relaxing his grip on the steering wheel. "It's peppy."

Adam laughed. "It's fine. I spent most of the time in work or the campus."

Ronan hummed and followed the minivan into a carpark. "Let's fucking go then."

"Go where?"

Ronan unclipped his seatbelt and opened the door. "C'mon, loser. Get the fuck out."

Rolling his eyes, Adam smirked and followed Ronan out of the car. " _Portraits are us_? Really Lynch?"

"I told we'd sort out these fucking graduation photos. Now, do you want us in shirts, and shit, or is this okay?" He gestured to his ripped jeans, boots and faded black t-shirt. "I mean, I think we look great, but there your fucking photos, man."

Adam laughed and pulled him over to the minivan. "I prefer you this way, shithead."

Noah opened the door and jumped out. "Let's go get our graduation pictures done." He turned and unbuckled Sarah from her car seat. "Let's go, baby. You get to be in them too. Isn't that exciting? You get to be in your godfather's pictures." Sarah cooed up at him and smacked his face. Noah laughed. "Great right hook. Did Ronan teach you that?"

Blue grinned as she climbed from the van. Her feet tangled in the air for a moment before she slid of the seat and hit the ground. "Adam, I even put on makeup to make myself look _oh so pretty_ for these so let's go."

Henry and Gansey walked around the car. "Me and Noah also have makeup. Under eye bags are horrendous in photographer's light." Henry examined Ronan. "You could do with some too, Lynch."

"Fuck off, Cheng."

Noah's lilting laugh carried across the carpark. "Let's go, losers. We're going shopping."

"The fuck, Noah?"

"The knowledge is being lost." Noah shook his head at Sarah and she hit his lips again. "You'll know, Sarah. Don't you worry. I'll make sure you know."

The bell above the door rang as they opened it. The walls of the shop were covered in thick brown frames filled with images of families, and couples, and a few puppies. There was a grey screen blocking off the back half of the shop. A glass counter with display cameras lined the right wall. Gansey waved at seats in the corner. "I'll check on our booking," he said, walking over to the counter where a smiling man stood.

Gansey had booked the photoshoot for the hour and they used every second of it. The photographer had a cap and gown that everyone insisted Adam wear. He even a fake diploma to hold. They took group shots and individual shots, shots with Sarah and her godparents, shots with each couple and singular shots. They ditched the robes and picked random props and took normal photos. It was easy, and funny, and the shop echoed with their laughter. After, Gansey ordered a full set for all of them, including frames, paid by him, with a total refusal to even listen to anyone's complaints. 

Adam was flushed and happy by the end and Ronan's heart ached with love. 

They went back to the hotel after and had dinner in an oversized ballroom, too fancy and prestigious for the jeans and t-shirt combo they were all wearing. They ate overpriced steak and laughed about old high school stories, watched Noah perform a poem in latin from memory and enjoyed Henry picking more and more expensive bottles of wines from the menu. And all the way through it, Adam reached for Ronan; linking fingers, touching shoulders, and wrapping his arm over the back of his chair. As if he'd been starving for him and now refused to break contact. Not that Ronan had a problem with that. 

******

 **Six months later**

"Adammmmmmm, come back to bad. It's saturday."

"Ronan, I've no clothes. I've been here all week. I have to do laundry and throw out all the food I didn't end up eating last week." The bed moved as he stood up. "I gotta go home. I'll be back tonight."

Ronan rolled over and grabbed Adam's trousers. "Move in."

"Lynch, come on. Stop messing. I gotta go."

He sat up and pulled Adam down beside him. "I'm serious, man. Move in. It's like you said, you spend _all_ your time here. You might as well make it official." He leaned over and kissed Adam softly on the lips, catching the bottom one between his teeth. Pulling away, he said, "I love you, Adam. Move in with me." 

Adam smiled and tapped his forehead against Ronan's. "Alright, Lynch. I'll move in with you."

"Brilliant." He wrapped his arms around Adam's shoulders and pulled them both back down onto the bed. "Now, we can go back to sleep."

Adam's laugh echoed around the room as he crawled back under the covers. "You're a menace, Lynch."

"I'm _your_ menace, Parrish," Ronan muttered into his neck, cuddling close and wrapping himself around Adam's body. "Now, go back to sleep, loser."

They didn't leave the bed to get Adam's stuff until the next day.


End file.
